1. |
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Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
I'll have two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
I'll have some pickled onions
And a little bit of cheese, please
Thank you
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Eh, Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
And I've got all the right money
And all that, please
Thank you
Oi! Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Ay! Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
I've been here half hour
And I'm getting very thirsty!
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Over here!
Oi! Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Why won't you serve me?
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg, please
Listen, I'm getting impatient, John!
Two pints of lager and a scotch egg
Two pints of lager and a ffs
Two pints of lager and a scotch
(Time, gentlemen, please!)
Oh... Ooh
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2. |
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Look at her smirk, look at her sigh
Insincerity in her eyes
Hooray went the Henrys, giving it big licks
She's our nanny and dominatrix
Hear them shout, hear them roar
Let's form a square round the Prittster
Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah Henrys
Thrusting swords into thousands of civil servants
Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah Henrys
Hoorah, hoorah, hoorah Henrys
And I'm absolutely sorry
Are ye eh?
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3. |
All For Unionism
00:39
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Lockstep we gaily on we go
Jack, McConnell and Carlaw
Arm in arm with London - oh
All for unionism
Even if Scotland says No
We're dragged down by the undertow
Following orders, on we go
All for unionism
If you want to trace and track
We have got an app for that
Built by Cummings's pals -pure tat
All for unionism
Oh, step we gaily, on we go
Heel for heel with Bojo
All together in a shitshow
All for unionism
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4. |
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Cancelled with tears in my eyes
I'm going hoarse from shouting my unheard cries
Cancelled with tears in my eyes
Living out a fantasy that no one hears my replies
Oh my, I think that no-one's listening
It's hard to believe that I have no voice
Even though I write for a newspaper
Over and over
Cancelled from multimedia
That everyone is reading and feeding you
Cancelled - will nobody hear?
Only the whole world - it's Orwellian, dear!
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5. |
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"When you wake up this morning
and run your shower,
take a second to think about parents
who've had their water turned off during lockdown"
That's what Marcus Rashford tweeted
A compassionate thing to say
But the DWP Secretary
She didn't see it that way
"Water cannot be disconnected though"
Therese Coffey - way to go
Get to the valley below
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6. |
A Cold Tinny In KG
01:48
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During the covid I've been drinking beer
On sunny days I drink outside
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I'm an East coaster in Strathclyde
See me walking down Byres Road
With a kerry oot in tow
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an East coaster in Kelvingrove
Oh, I'm a criminal, I'm an actual criminal
With a cold tinny in KG
Oh, I'm a criminal, cracking open in the sun
A cold tinny in KG
Imagine Police Scotland cared about literally
Any actual crime as much
as they care about someone cracking open a cold tinny
In KG under the sun
Oh, I'm a criminal, I'm an actual criminal
With a cold tinny in KG
Oh, I'm a criminal, cracking open in the sun
A cold tinny in KG
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7. |
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Nobody wants lockdowns
And to see the damage they do
But if you want that dream to come true
As quickly as it can come true
Then you have to take the vaccine
When it’s offered to you
Low uptake will almost certainly
Make restrictions last longer
For now
The other measures
The tear measures
The social distancing
Have to stay in place
If we relax too soon
If we just kind of go oh
Vaccine's here
Let's abandon caution
All you're gonna do
Is create a tidal wave of infections
And this vaccine's then got to work in a headwind
To get back ahead of the game
And that will make it harder
And then the final point is, you know
Everyone wants social distancing to come to an end
We're fed up with it
Nobody wants lockdowns
And to see the damage they do
But if you want that dream to come true
As quickly as it can come true
Then you have to take the vaccine
When it’s offered to you
You have to take the vaccine
When it’s offered to you
Stop
For now
The other measures
The tear measures
The social distancing
Have to stay in place
If we relax too soon
If we just kind of go oh
Vaccine's here
Let's abandon caution
All you're gonna do
Is create a tidal wave of infections
And this vaccine's then got to work in a headwind
To get back ahead of the game
But if you want that dream to come true
As quickly as it can come true
Then you have to take the vaccine
When it’s offered to you
You have to take the vaccine
When it’s offered to you
And finally, please stick to the guidance
Until we say it is safe to stop
For now
The other measures
The tear measures
The social distancing
But if you want that dream to come true
As quickly as it can come true
Then you have to take the vaccine
When it’s offered to you
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8. |
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"There’s a Glaswegian in Kensington Sainsbury’s..."
Somebody wrote in a tweet
"...asking security if they’ve seen his parakeet."
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9. |
The Heating's On
01:13
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The heating's on, in the hoose
The thermostat's eating the juice
Turn up the gas, cos I'm no fussed
And the big light's on, it's August
And the heating's on
Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho
Pishin doon and dreich, it's blowin a hoolie
Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho
(Tell me can you feel it)
(Tell me can you feel it)
(Tell me can you feel it)
The heating's on
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10. |
Hurkle-Durkling
00:45
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Well, I've been hurkle-durkling
It's 18th century slang
For lounging about/lying in bed
Reading back copies of Kerrang
Kerrang - get up
Kerrang - get up
I can't be bothered, nah
I'll just lie for a while
In my duvet
I'll be wrapped in eiderdown
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11. |
Jeremy Corbyn's Brother
01:49
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Didn't we have a lovely time with Jeremy Corbyn's brother
Quarantine meals of jellied eels
All for under a pound you know
We booed the corona on megaphone and
Slagged off Keir Starmer
Singing a few of our favourite songs about donkeys
Do you recall the thrill of it all as we walked through central London
Then on the Strand we heard a brass band
That played the Diddlely-Bump-Terrara
You're not working class if you own an ass
And earn "up to" ten million
That's what we sang in the back of the van as the cops piled in
We want to be free, there's a conspiracy trying to keep us quiet
It's just a big fuss about this virus, it's all the fault of the government
Oh Jeremy, I have a theory
We're lions led by donkeys
Just ask Keir, here have a beer, and we'll all get pished
Wasn't it nice eating a choc ice and yelling boo to lockdown
I always preferred Oasis to Blur
And that rubbed Jeremy up the wrong way
Joy Division's Isolation - I am not a big fan
On yer bike, I really don't like them and No New World Order
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12. |
Julia
00:44
|
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Most of what she says is meaningless
Beside the point, not on the point, Julia
Julia, Julia, cognitive pissonance
Jumping to defend nazi urine, Julia
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13. |
Lady Bauchle
02:13
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She's the lady, she's the lady bauchle
She's the lady, the lady bauchle
She's the lady, she's the lady bauchle
She's the lady, the lady bauchle
Now she's wrapped in ermine
Scuttling with the vermin
Ooohhhh
What has she done? (Bang the orange drum)
To save the union (She baked a bun)
Her greatest achievement yet (Not that I'm taking bets)
Is writing for the Glenrothes Gazette
She's the lady, she's the lady bauchle
She's the lady, she's bloody awful
She's the lady, she's the lady bauchle
She's a colonel, not a corporal,
Have I got news for Bawjaws
She championed the rape clause
Ooohhhh
On a photo-op (on a tank top)
She likes to say No (except to a buffalo)
She's such a clown (she'll say, Sit down)
Such an arrogant clown
She's the lady, she's the lady bauchle
She's the lady, the lady bauchle
She's the lady, she's the lady bauchle
She's the lady, the lady bauchle
A media confection
No need to stand now for election
Ooohhhh
You can't handle the Ruth
The whole Ruth
And nothing but the Ruth
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14. |
Let's Do It
01:06
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Birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's declare independence
Even the United States did it
United Arab Emirates did it
Let's do it, let's declare independence
Hong Kong and South Africa did it
Not to mention Iraq
Canada and India did it - they're not going back
Australia and New Zealand did it
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines did it
Let's do it, let's declare independence
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15. |
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Someone asked the other day
What was the first video game you played
Well, if I remember right
It was both exciting and shite
A coin operated thrill ride
And on the bleeding edge of game technology
Apart from its simplicity
The other thing that attracted me
Was the fact that it was in my local chippy
Yeah, I played Pong in the chip shop in the 70s
10 years before Spandau Ballet sang 'True'
Yeah, I played Pong in the chip shop in the 70s
Until I ran out of 10ps and Irn Bru
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16. |
Ruth Britannia
00:38
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Ruth Britannia, can ya rule the plebs
They are getting uppity again
Douglas loves ya and wants to declare war
He couldnae fight a cold without asking his maw
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17. |
Say It Ain't No
01:52
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Say it ain't No, Murray
Say it ain't No
Now you're working for the SNP
And they've got a right to know
Say it ain't No, Murray
Say it ain't No
I'm sure you wouldn't lie to us so
Wiggle your big toe
Pronounce your vowels carefully to keep face
How now brown cow
Manipulated media all over the place
Like the Daily Record Vow
The image and the empire may be falling apart
2014 seems a long way away
Forgive and forget and bring the country together
Better late than never, eh?
Say it ain't No Murray, say it ain't No
The Daily Reckless will still continue
To be the Daily Record's foe
Say it ain't No, Murray
Say it ain't No
Murray Head, knees, Foote and Boomps a Daisley
They're the guys in the know
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18. |
Sharon
00:52
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19. |
Pulling Down The Statues
01:31
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D'you ever seem to have one of those days where nationalism's just not doing it for you anymore? Well you know, I used to have those just about all the time. But I found a way to get out of it
Let me tell ya 'bout it...
Standing in St Andrews Square - the Melville Monument
150 feet dedicated to a cunt
He was against abolishing slavery
It's time this evil bastard was thrown into the sea
Pulling down the statues
Pulling down the statues
From Edward Colston to Winston Churchill
The sight of all these racists carved in concrete makes me ill
Meanwhile back in Edinburgh, making sure the coast is clear
Lookin' in Harvey Nicols, nah, there ain't nobody here
I'm clambering up the column with hammers and a rope
Determined to chisel, determined to choke
Pulling down the statues
Pulling down the statues
Subverted by thuggery - that's what Johnson said
He's a stalwart of buggery, time to kick them all in the head
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20. |
This Royal House
00:57
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This royal house wants doing over
This royal house wants demolishing
This royal house is home and comfort
To old queens and pretend kings
This royal house has run its course now
This royal house is taking the piss
Sending their creepy kids on trains
To further spread the virus
We don't need this house no longer
We don't need this house no more
They're all non essential workers
Flouting riches to the poor
Ain't got time to be obsequious
To Brenda, Will or Kate
We don't need this house no longer
So get ready to meet your fate
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