Lying On The Job

by Various Artists

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1.
(Another Public Service Announcement by the UK Government) Fight germs in the airport lounge Fight germs on foreign beaches Fight your fears, sweat, blood and tears Recycle Churchill speeches Keep Mammon alive 9 to 5 Commute for the greater glory Dulce et decorum est Pro Pret a Manger mori Eat out to spread it about Drop Jager Bombs on the virus U-turn, reverse your ferret Twerk from home with Miley Cyrus Heed the rule of six feet under Comply with the Da Vinci Code Hands, face, space, drink, feck, arse Follow the yellow brick road Save Christmas, never surrender Don't let the bells end, don't give in Get roaring drunk by 10pm Let your hair down with discipline Stiffen sinews, do your duty England expects you to behave Lock all empty stable doors Wear smiley masks at a rave Book a Covid test in Narnia Isolate together without fail Download Aladdin's magic app Track and trace the Holy Grail Load up with silver bullets Aim high, shoot grouse on the moon Button up your overcoat Whistle a happy tune Don't look back in anger Don't take your love to town Hold a chicken in the air Do the disco duck, get down Help yourself, be viable Find a new job, do the right thing Cross your fingers, clutch at straws Hibernate, wake up next spring Elvis McGonagall, Oct. 2020
2.
It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to Die if I want to, die if I want to We’ll do the conga cos we haven’t a clue Nobody knows where the English have gone They all seemed to just lose their mind Evoking the Blitz spirit And making a conga line It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to Die if I want to, die if I want to We’ll do the conga cos we haven’t a clue Remember the war and killing nazis? The whole of Europe took part As well as the rest of the world Satan, fetch me that handcart It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to Die if I want to, die if I want to We’ll do the conga cos we haven’t a clue We’ll meet again on the other side With our gumption, our spirit, our vim Donald and Boris can sook disinfectant But we will not give in It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to Die if I want to, die if I want to We’ll do the conga cos we haven’t a clue
3.
Press ups? Get down on your knees Ya pair of dungarees Fucking press ups? Get a grip ya twats Get some yoga mats Ya downward facing dogs It's the terror of knowing these cunts are in charge Everybody's screaming "Let me out!" A macho contest for pariahs Butcher's dog? Get Jacob Rees Mogg Fucking press ups Press ups
4.
He says "It's not you - it's me I need a little time, a little space a plane to fly myself away you know?" Oh yes, I know a liar when I hear one He smiles but his heart's already out there Flying through the air He says "I love my country above all else I really do", He's lying "There isn't anything else and that's true", He's lying "Let's forget Robert Jenrick and fly away" Oh, what a bellend Ain't no boat, it's a plane you see With a new paint job - 900G I just got bored with all this plague Now I'm going back to being vague
5.
Out there in the fields, fighting for pub meals We're going back into normal I don't give a shite, I know I'm right Djokovic and me will be forgiven, yeah, yeah, yeah Don't cry, don't dry your eyes We're heading for the Wetherspoons wasteland Whitty, take my hand, and Patrick Vallance Peter Pandemic is here to make you bolder Happy days are here, cricket and warm beer Let's get together, we won't be getting much older Wetherspoons wasteland, we wanna Wetherspoons wasteland Wetherspoons wasteland, oh, yeah Wetherspoons wasteland We're all wasted!
6.
I am the very model of a modern major orator I wiffle and I waffle - a great stammerer and stutterer I know the queen of England, and I quote Latin historical My verbal diarrhoea isn't what you'd call rhetorical I'm well acquainted with absurdist neo-feudal theatre Happening inside the House of Commons in Westminster We're still coming down from the adrenalin rush of losing our empire and status We do not like to look ahead, we're truly blue and never red We pretend to follow the science instead When we're forced to on the news With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse With many cheerful facts about the square of the high potty potty news My real name is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel I am a master of the bluster and of the kerfuffle In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral I am the very model of a modern major orator In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral He is the very model of a modern major gin earl I know our mythic history, I've studied Winston Churchill His gravitas escapes me though, I'm more like Julie Burchill I clumsily annoy by spaffing up a wall I'll hold aloft a fish or biscuits - anything at all I'll sniff out the commoners. That is my upbringing, I'll flip flop onto the side that's winning I'll sneak out of the back door And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinner Pinafore Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform, And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern major orator In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, He is the very model of a modern Major Gin Earl You'll say a better Major Gin Earl has never satired ye You'll say a better Major Gin Earl has never satired ye You'll say a better Major Gin Earl has never said or satired ye My military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury, Is waving flags upon zip wires in the 21st century; But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern major orator But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, He is the very model of a modern Major Gin Earl
7.
Oh, he's used to hiding in fridges Now he'll have to hide from the midges It's Boris, ya hoor, on a farewell tour of Scotland Last time he left by the back door This time he'll need to get on all fours Everyone will boo more, Baw jaws on tour of Scotland Let's all march on London Stuff your S30 pish We're gonna have another referendum We don't need your permish on Oh we don't have a barrel of money Cos he gave it all to Mogg and Gove and Cummings It's Boris, ya hoor, on a farewell tour of Scotland Fuck the poor cries Boris on tour of Scotland
8.
9.
There's no such thing As a border between England and Scotland Well, what's that thing Called the Scottish Borders? Aggravated, the blonde spare prick Won't admit he's blind and thick Jump up bubble up, what's in store The Covid ward revolving door Showing up, showing up ignorance Boris tell me where Kelso is What's that sign at the side of the road Saying Welcome to Scotland - oh Oh oh catch the bus Selkirk, Hawick I'm thinking of Oh oh can't you see David Mundell's constituency Oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh Boris Where is Where's the border?
10.
Slip inside the flap of your tent Oh Toto we're not in Kent Anymore This looks like the Highlands to me Or it could be Elie I don't really know If they start a revolution when I'm gone I'll just stay under this tarpaulin Step outside, summertime's in bloom Stand up beside the farmer's gate He said get yer arse oot, mate You don't want to come back here to Scotland And so Carrie can wait She knows it's too late As we're camping in Fife And all the locals say Don't come back you wanker Stay away
11.
Rogue State 00:34
Rogue, rogue, rogue state That's what we're heading for We are breaking international law Rogue, rogue, rogue state That's what you voted for Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Merrily fuck you all
12.
These People 00:45
Boris Johnson: “These people!” Kirsten Oswald :“The new daily allowance for the unelected and unaccountable peers being stuffed into the House of Lords by the Prime Minister is set to rise to £323. The monthly allowance for a single person over 25 on universal credit is £317.82. Is that the levelling up the Prime Minister keeps talking about?” Boris Johnson:”Actually, I hate agreeing with these people. Actually, I do find that it is odd that the House of Lords has chosen to do that but it is a decision for them.”
13.
There's always a smile on my face God, it's so easy to fool the public And when it comes down to cyberspace Now honey, that's quite a different subject So just let this old ad campaign Worm its way inside your brain It's sad (Sad, sad, sad, sad) Oh, I'll be glad When I'm gone and you're hurtin' so bad Like a clown I pretend to be glad (Sad, sad, sad, sad) Now there’s some sad things known to man But ain’t too much sadder than The tiers of a clown, When you need to lockdown Oh yeah, baby
14.
Think of a number Double it, bubble it Cash in, eat out Where there's a till there's a way Self-isolate, immolate Cummings is a decent bloke Apologies, I misspoke words by Glenda Young, Writer @flaming_nora

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released November 26, 2020

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