1. |
Miriam Margolyes
01:48
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Oh she is posh and loaded but also funny
The middle classes love her cos she’s so on the money
Her name is Miriam (Margolyes)
One in a million
And she says whatever she feels
Making TV presenters squeal
Oh, do a swear, go on I dare
Do you remember Bill Grundy?
Goading the Pistols on TV
Well it’s not like that you see
Cos it’s all quite cosy
And she says…
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2. |
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I am not throwin’ away my shit
I am not throwin’ away my shit
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwin’ away my shit
I hadn’t pressed the button
I went away for a jobby at half time
Excuse my general language
I’ve no pressed the wee button when I’ve come back
So apologies to anybody who have not heard me this second half
Are you speaking in the vernacular there?
Speaking in the vernacular, yeah
I went away for a jobby at half time
Apologies if you deemed that bad language viewers
Yeah, sorry, it was just a wee bit o poop
And, eh, I was a wee bit late back over
Eh, cos it was, eh
I had to squeeze quite a bit
Sorry I’ll just change the subject and get back to the match
But I forgot to press my wee button
I went away for a jobby at half time
I went away for a jobby at half time
Essentially, they tax us relentlessly
I went away for a jobby at half time
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwin’ away my shit
I had to squeeze quite a bit, so…
I probably shouldn’t brag, but dang, I amaze and astonish
The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish
I gotta holler just to be heard
With every word, I drop knowledge
I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal
Tryna reach my goal my power of speech, unimpeachable
I went away for a jobby at half time
Yeah, sorry, it was just a wee bit o poop
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3. |
Fedrulllizzzummm
02:10
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4. |
Pearl Clutchers
01:47
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Pearl clutchers
They are outraged and easily triggered
Everything’s toxic
Pearl clutchers
God knows how they have lasted in this life
My job is entertaining folks
Singing songs and telling jokes
And fucking swearing
Pearl clutchers
On all sides of the political spectrum
Are offended
Pearl clutchers
Think that any old swears are abusive
Anyone who says vile or woke
They just give me the dry boak, so disingenuous
They must know everything’s unstable
But still they sit there at their tear stained table
Dreaming of the things they never get to do
Deluded and divided boo hoo hoo
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5. |
Pandemic Of Stupidity
00:58
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There’s a pandemic of stupidity spreading throughout the land
From government to banjo players and some football fans
They’re all good clean Britishers abiding by the law
Sticking up for freedom of speech and gagging for a war
Their happiness is paid for by spreading misery
Their one guiding philosophy is me me me
Blame it on the system, blame it on the huns
Blame it on the nazi banjo player in Mumford and Sons
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6. |
I Am The Landlord
01:07
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That man is not allowed in my pub
Get out of my pub
Go on
Get out of my pub
Get out of my pub
Get out of my pub
I am the landlord (he is the landlord)
I am the landlord (he is the landlord)
I am the landlord (he is the landlord)
Bring David Cameron back I say
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7. |
Mike Oxmells
01:25
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Mike Oxmells
Says I’m lyin’
And I’m losin’ control
But the power
I’m supplyin’
Is electrifyin’
You’d better wake up
I am Douglas Ross
But nobody knows my name
Not even my boss
He thinks it’s Murray Ross
Uh Murray Ross is doing an excellent job
Nothin’ left for me to do
So, Mike Oxmells
Have you got a question?
Ooh ooh ooh, honey
Mike Oxmells
Have you got a question?
Ooh ooh ooh, honey
Mike Oxmells
Have you got a question?
Ooh ooh ooh
I’m not sure
Douglas, stop ignoring the tough questions
I’m really not
I think my honourable friend Murray Ross is doing an excellent job
I’m not sure
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8. |
Iggy Pop's Parrot
01:32
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I tell you Iggy Pop’s parrot is a cockatoo
Iggy Pop’s parrot knows what to do
Iggy Pop’s parrot’s gonna throw some shapes
And why not?
Iggy Pop’s parrot (It’s a cockatoo!)
It likes to shuffle and boogaloo
It makes me smile and laugh because
It loves to dance to the Sleaford Mods
And why not?
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9. |
Fairweather Bootlicker
01:56
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He’s a fairweather bootlicker
Get it together dickhead, whoa
He’s in love with Meghan Markle
He don’t like his boring job, no
He’s a fairweather bootlicker
Get it together dickhead, whoa
He’s in love with Meghan Markle
Pretending to be psycho
And he knows what he likes to do
He knows he’s gonna have fun with you
Suck it up viewers
And he knows when the morning comes
That his job is done, when he’s trending on twitter for you
He’s a fairweather bootlicker
Get it together dickhead, whoa
He’s in love with Meghan Markle
Pretending to be psycho
Everybody thought that he
Was great sticking it to tories last year
But he’s just like all that scum, he’s got a million chums
To back his latest feud
Ratings up, suckers
The indignance don’t quite fit
Just another stunt in his armoury
Blame the government, man
And he’s just gonna really tell the boss
He’s gonna really let him know exactly how he feels
It’s pretty bad
He’s a fairweather bootlicker
Get it together dickhead, whoa
He’s in love with Meghan Markle
Pretending to be psycho oh, oh
It’s all show, it’s all show
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10. |
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Did you see her on the news?
Trying to be human
Evil people, racist views
Not one brain cell between them
Don’t just sit there on your ass
Unlock that funky chaindance
Brothers, sisters shoot your best
We don’t need this fascist groove thang
Jayda Fransen, we don’t need that fascist groove thang
Brothers, sisters, we don’t need that fascist groove thang
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11. |
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Nothing in the world is perfect
Grin and bear it silently or tell the BBC
Complaints, 100,000
Complaints, the bosses cower
Everything has gone all sombre, BBC4 on no longer
Just give it back, no questions asked
And nothing in the world is worth it
BBC go OTT and wonder why we yell
Complaints, they’re missing their Masterchef
Complaints, Eastenders bereft
How they chatter, how they bore us
An obsequious bootlicking chorus
Just rein it in, give it a rest
The coverage was quite obscene
Even if you feel sorry for the queen
A 99 year old man dies
A nation grieves, well that’s just lies
Just rein it in, give it a rest
Nothing in the world is perfect
Grin and bear it silently or sell it off to Sparks
Complaints, there’s too many hours
Complaints, there’s too many flowers
When they own the BBC, there’ll be some changes you will see
Take it away, no more complaints
Too much Osman, too much Xander
Let’s have some more propaganda
Let Sparks do what they desire
Set the state broadcaster on fire
Take it away, what do you say?
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12. |
Richard Madeley
00:27
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Richard Madeley dwells upon the Hitler Youth at bedtime
It’s something to think about, like nicking bottles of wine
Richard Madeley, he’s our man,
Hero of our nation
For his adventures, just stay tuned to Good Morning Britain
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13. |
Rio
00:45
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His name is Rio – Rio Ferdinand
He’s never been this confident about England
He can’t wait to get off here
And ring the victory bells
England are gonna win
I can’t see anything else
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14. |
Just Take The Knee
01:53
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Well there’s so many Scottish Euro tunes
By people who’ve never listened to Marquee Moon
It’s such a drag
But I’m not here to slag off the people doing that, eh?
I’m here to slag off the SFA
Taking a stand
Sitting on their hands
The televised games will be crazy
But please don’t make us feel sick
If we just stand up we’ll just stand out like dicks
Don’t be a prick
Take the knee now
Just take the knee
Don’t be cowardly
FFS SFA
Fuck the racists OK?
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15. |
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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16. |
Shite Rabbie Burns
01:07
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If you go down to Leicester Square
There’s a statue of William Shakespeare there
Last weekend if you had a listen
It came in for some unique literary criticism
The tartan army were not impressed
They thought their bard was the best
The chant went up
The people spoke
And Willie Shakespeare’s reputation went up in smoke
Shite Rabbie Burns
Yer just a shite Rabbie Burns
Shite Rabbie Burns
Yer just a shite Rabbie Burns
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17. |
St James Quarter
03:12
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18. |
Skelped
00:55
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When you get to the Euros and get knocked out in the final
It’s a long way back to the urinal
When you realise that football isn’t coming home
No no no
Do you, don’t you want us to love you
You’re coming down fast but we went before you
Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on tell me the answer
Maybe you forgot your laser pens, ya chancer
Skelped I tell yer, skelped by Italia
Skelped I tell yer
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19. |
Keir Creosote
01:16
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Peer of the realm
With a nifty line in legalese
He thinks he’s both Thelma
And her best friend Louise
One of these days he will have to find some principles
But until then he’ll just be known as Keir Creosote
Heid the baw
Do hee haw
Prick of the year
Man of no consequence
Creosote Keir
Taking both sides in all disagreements
A permanent fixture on top of a fence
Picking splinters from out of your arsecheeks
Is that all you amount to?
Are you red, are you blue?
Being two faced isn’t the diplomatic answer you think it is
You long streak o piss
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20. |
Fucking Dancing Horses
00:51
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Olympics time
Time to shine
Fucking dancing horses, what is that all about?
If I hear the word dressage again I’ll hurl
First off it is boring
Who the hell is scoring these jiggly mares?
The horse does all the work
But the rider gets the medal
Who fucking cares?
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21. |
Fercalicious
01:05
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What happens now?
The fercalicious definition is to make our planet cooler
So listen up y’all cos this is it
The Federal Energy Regulatory Commission
Better known as the F to the E to the R to the C
Is one of the most important federal agencies to fight climate change
And if I’m doing this right
One that a few more of you are now keeping track of
Having a well air conditioned home
When it’s hot, hot
That’s fercalicious
Getting your electricity from the lowest cost reliable source
Fercalicious
An electric transmission system
That keeps everything from electric vehicles
To steel mills running with zero carbon electricity
Fercalicious
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