1. |
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I'm an MP child with a dead-end smile
And a worm's-eye point of view
I know my way round Kincardine, eh?
But I haven't got a clue
Now I regularly get asked as Conservative Vice Chair for Youth
If 'Social Media' might put people off getting into politics
Last night I posted a picture of fish and chips
These are the the responses
Scottish Tory six chip twat
Greedy shit, wanker and demented
Scottish Tory six chip twat
You sure started somethin'
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2. |
David Marshall
01:30
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Just when we thought we'd won the match
Serbia scored in the last gasp
Extra time was agony
And then it went to penalties
Wish I could be David Marshall
The pubs were shut
But I had beers
Right up to Ryan Christie's tears
Now we're off to the Euros
Thanks to these fucking heroes
Wish I could be David Marshall
Wish I could be David Marshall
Save penalties like Dave Marshall
Wish I could be David Marshall
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3. |
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Keir Hardie was the first, Arthur Henderson the worst,
George Barnes, Ramsay MacDonald
William Adamson, J. R. Clynes,
George Lansbury, Clement Attlee - fun times
Hugh Gaitskell, Harold Wilson, James Callaghan,
Michael Foot, Neil Kinnock, John Smith, oh man
Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Ed Miliband,
Jeremy Corbyn, now Mr Bland
Tony Blair's mortgage advisor
I've seen more urgency in John Major's Y-Fronts
He's Tony Blair's mortgage advisor
Keir Starmer, donkey farmer
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4. |
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Boom, log on
We're not corporate we're nice, can't you see?
Boom, log on
We're pretending we have empathy
Log on
We're a corporation
Pretending to be just like you
Log on
It's just manipulation
Our PR team are snake oil crew
The Magical Marketing guys
Say, Sue, you are shouting at tea
We're only human you see
Or are we?
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5. |
S.C.U.M.
00:50
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Well, I'm sitting here looking at the Scottish Tories
It's so sad
When you're Ruth
To be telt
By Nicola Surgeon
So watch out for acronyms
Describing you to a t
Scottish Conservative
Unionist MSPs
S.C.U.M.
S.C.U.M.
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6. |
Sarah Smith
01:40
|
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I saw you on the BBC
An apple fell far from the tree
Sarah Smith
I wonder what you could mean
You said Nicola Sturgeon enjoyed the opportunity
To set her own lockdown rules
And separate policy
Aye right, I see
You said that Scotland's out of step
Instead of England, let me guess
Sarah Smith
Was that another faux pas?
Your bias and slip is showing
It's hard to take your crowing
Embarrassing at best
Embrace your snideyness
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7. |
Rutherglen
01:46
|
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Once upon a time not so very long ago
There was a little thing called a lockdown, oh
You had to stay at home and listen to the radio
Then came a man with bad eyesight
Ever since then it's being going to shite
Now it's the more the merrier, including Margaret Ferrier, oh oh oh
Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen
Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen
Dishonourable member for Rutherglen
Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen
One rule for us, one rule for them
Why don't you do it, why don't you do it again?
She spent a long, long train ride travelling to Westminster
He spent a long long car ride going to Durham and further
And if you thought that they were bad
There's also Boris Johnson's fucking dad
They're all fucking mad
Well, everybody has to sometimes break the rules
Apparently
Oh yes they do
They really do
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8. |
The Price Of Tripe
02:09
|
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Spam is cheap and so is liver
You eat all you can but you won´t recover
But if you want a bang for your buck
Try the lining of a cow's stomach
The state of you and the price of tripe
Paul McCartney got it right
The state of you and the price of tripe
Get stuck in, eat as much as you like
Have a plateful, then another
Breakfast, dinner, tea and supper
If you don't like it, or have the GORD*
Take it up with the Tripe Marketing Board
The state of you and the price of tripe
Paul McCartney got it right
The state of you and the price of tripe
Get stuck in, eat as much as you like
*Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease
|
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9. |
Oh, The Pretty Things
01:38
|
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Wake up, you sleepy head
Put on a blazer and cap on your head
You had too much to smoke last night
You called Mr Grimsdale a shite
Put on a record, take off your dressing gown
Listen to The Pretty Things doing Don't Bring Me Down
What's Good For The Goose dear
Wasn't good for your career
Oh, The Pretty Things (oh, you pretty things)
Don't you know you're driving Norman Wisdom insane?
Oh, The Pretty Things (oh, you pretty things)
Don't you know you're driving Norman Wisdom insane?
With the Mary Jane
Goodbye Phil May and Electric Banana
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10. |
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Always on TV, on another journey
Michael Portillo's red Chinos
Off on a train, again and again
Michael Portillo's red Chinos
I even saw them in Fife, heading up to Dundee
It's not top gear, but it's our licence fee
With a blazer that's green, they're fucking obscene
Michael Portillo's red Chinos
Fuck off!
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11. |
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Jimmy Savile was a philanthropist
Stick that on your list
The next time you decide to defend a statue
Try to think it through
Why d'you think he felt the need to give away money
Salving your bloody conscience is not philanthropy
Edward Colston, slave trader, and Henry Dundas
Don't get a pass
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12. |
Olly Murs
01:27
|
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Do you remember Pretty In Pink by The Psychedelic Furs?
I'll tell you who isn't pretty in the pink - Olly fucking Murs
He wants us to think he's a cheeky wee tinker
He wants us to buy his singles
But you should see what he can do with a tube of Pringles...
It isn't pretty
Nn nn nn nn
Ew Olly Murs
Put away your penis
|
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13. |
Northampton Feeling
02:40
|
|||
I slipped out this morning from Farthing Wood
Went down the high street to look for food
Climbed on the roof of a chemist shop
I scratched my arse and down I dropped
Northampton feeling
(Northampton feeling)
I'm a badger in Superdrug
(Northampton feeling)
I fell through the ceiling
(Northampton feeling)
Now I'm snaffling up Tresemme
Rimmel of London and Lynx Body Spray
There's a squirrel in Sainsbury's
A toad in Tesco
A weasel in Waitrose
A cow in Costco
A pig in Poundstretcher
An owl in Aldi hoots
A Llama in Lidl
And bats in Boots
Northampton feeling
(Northampton feeling)
I'm a badger in Superdrug
(Northampton feeling)
I fell through the ceiling
(Northampton feeling)
Now I'm snaffling up Tresemme
Rimmel of London and Lynx Body Spray
|
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14. |
The Nonce Watching Golf
01:30
|
|||
Day after day
Public money
Is paid out to parasites called royalty
And one prince isn't sweating
He can see that we're all just fools
And he never gives an answer
But the nonce watching golf
Pockets 16K
To watch men hitting balls
And the taxpayers pay
His brother too
Flys around the UK
Taking the piss, no matter what anyone says
And he never listens to them
He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him
The nonce watching golf
Doesn't want us to see
And the rest of the crew
Plead poverty
Oh oh oh oh
Fuck em all
|
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15. |
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Now I'm a Scottish man
Amazed at what I am
I like to think when I have a drink
I'm a sociable man
I like England too
But not that Westminster crew
And there's a certain element - a right bunch of cunts
Who'll riot over a statue
There is no life left in the Union
There is no life left in the Union
There is no life left in the Union
Let's socially distance
From those far right English cunts
|
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16. |
Walk The Wark
01:49
|
|||
Kirsty Wark thinks she can talk the talk
But Kirsty Wark can't even Kirsty Wark
She tried to make a documentary
To frame Alex Salmond on the BBC
It's pretty obvious she thought that he
Would end up being found guilty
She looked so disappointed, she was wrong
Re-trial by telly is just plain wrong
It's dooby dooby dooby dubious
Jack McConnell's pal looked a bit put out
It was pretty obvious, there's no doubt
She didn't like the judgement of the jury
Not enough filth, but plenty fury
|
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17. |
Desmond Swayne
01:39
|
|||
Desmond Swayne is a strange person
He won't buy clothes, looks like Colonel White
Or Freddie Starr
He won't mask up, he will not shop, he's ragin'
A selfish view, see through baby blue
He's mental
Oh, Desmond Swayne
Toryiously insane and on remission
This monstrous imposition, this monstrous imposition, this monstrous imposition
My constituents are reluctant and outraged
The tiny brain of Desmond Swayne
Desmond Sway ay ayne
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18. |
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I wouldn't touch a Russian with a ten foot pole,
Ten foot pole, ten foot pole
I wouldn't touch a Russian with a ten foot pole
Nyet, nyet, nyet
Well we published a report which said we looked away,
Looked away, looked away
We employed a secret operative who looked away
A ten foot Polish man
Let's not investigate cos
we're scared of what we'll find
Ignorance is bliss
I see no ships
Through my blind eye
I wouldn't touch a Russian with a ten foot pole,
Ten foot pole, ten foot pole
I wouldn't touch a Russian with a ten foot pole
Nyet, nyet, nyet, nyet, nyet
|
||||
19. |
||||
Here come the "free speech" columnists
Making profit for their boss
Flexing their unsubtle wrists
Tossing off some right wing toss
In a national newspaper
You'll hear their constant moan
Screaming out "Where's our voice?"
Through a megaphone
'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a column
What a column, what a bloody laugh
Poor old souls, the middle mass
Blowing snide bombs out their arse
Shout loud, stamp yer feet
Saying you're being silenced
What a creature, special feature
Always smug and always cunts
In their Margaret Thatcher Y Fronts
Watch that privilege
Have another few quid
Stick it in your Thatcher Y fronts
|
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20. |
It All Now
00:54
|
|||
Everytime you hear this song
You have to tell everyone
Or else the joke doesn't work at all
'I've heard it all now' you can say
Cos that's the title. Type away.
I've heard It All Now
It all now, it all now, it all now
I've heard it all now
|
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