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The Best of the Daily Reckless 2020 Vol​.​1

by Various Artists

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1.
I'm an MP child with a dead-end smile And a worm's-eye point of view I know my way round Kincardine, eh? But I haven't got a clue Now I regularly get asked as Conservative Vice Chair for Youth If 'Social Media' might put people off getting into politics Last night I posted a picture of fish and chips These are the the responses Scottish Tory six chip twat Greedy shit, wanker and demented Scottish Tory six chip twat You sure started somethin'
2.
Just when we thought we'd won the match Serbia scored in the last gasp Extra time was agony And then it went to penalties Wish I could be David Marshall The pubs were shut But I had beers Right up to Ryan Christie's tears Now we're off to the Euros Thanks to these fucking heroes Wish I could be David Marshall Wish I could be David Marshall Save penalties like Dave Marshall Wish I could be David Marshall
3.
Keir Hardie was the first, Arthur Henderson the worst, George Barnes, Ramsay MacDonald William Adamson, J. R. Clynes, George Lansbury, Clement Attlee - fun times Hugh Gaitskell, Harold Wilson, James Callaghan, Michael Foot, Neil Kinnock, John Smith, oh man Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Ed Miliband, Jeremy Corbyn, now Mr Bland Tony Blair's mortgage advisor I've seen more urgency in John Major's Y-Fronts He's Tony Blair's mortgage advisor Keir Starmer, donkey farmer
4.
Boom, log on We're not corporate we're nice, can't you see? Boom, log on We're pretending we have empathy Log on We're a corporation Pretending to be just like you Log on It's just manipulation Our PR team are snake oil crew The Magical Marketing guys Say, Sue, you are shouting at tea We're only human you see Or are we?
5.
S.C.U.M. 00:50
Well, I'm sitting here looking at the Scottish Tories It's so sad When you're Ruth To be telt By Nicola Surgeon So watch out for acronyms Describing you to a t Scottish Conservative Unionist MSPs S.C.U.M. S.C.U.M.
6.
Sarah Smith 01:40
I saw you on the BBC An apple fell far from the tree Sarah Smith I wonder what you could mean You said Nicola Sturgeon enjoyed the opportunity To set her own lockdown rules And separate policy Aye right, I see You said that Scotland's out of step Instead of England, let me guess Sarah Smith Was that another faux pas? Your bias and slip is showing It's hard to take your crowing Embarrassing at best Embrace your snideyness
7.
Rutherglen 01:46
Once upon a time not so very long ago There was a little thing called a lockdown, oh You had to stay at home and listen to the radio Then came a man with bad eyesight Ever since then it's being going to shite Now it's the more the merrier, including Margaret Ferrier, oh oh oh Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen Dishonourable member for Rutherglen Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen, Rutherglen One rule for us, one rule for them Why don't you do it, why don't you do it again? She spent a long, long train ride travelling to Westminster He spent a long long car ride going to Durham and further And if you thought that they were bad There's also Boris Johnson's fucking dad They're all fucking mad Well, everybody has to sometimes break the rules Apparently Oh yes they do They really do
8.
Spam is cheap and so is liver You eat all you can but you won´t recover But if you want a bang for your buck Try the lining of a cow's stomach The state of you and the price of tripe Paul McCartney got it right The state of you and the price of tripe Get stuck in, eat as much as you like Have a plateful, then another Breakfast, dinner, tea and supper If you don't like it, or have the GORD* Take it up with the Tripe Marketing Board The state of you and the price of tripe Paul McCartney got it right The state of you and the price of tripe Get stuck in, eat as much as you like *Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease
9.
Wake up, you sleepy head Put on a blazer and cap on your head You had too much to smoke last night You called Mr Grimsdale a shite Put on a record, take off your dressing gown Listen to The Pretty Things doing Don't Bring Me Down What's Good For The Goose dear Wasn't good for your career Oh, The Pretty Things (oh, you pretty things) Don't you know you're driving Norman Wisdom insane? Oh, The Pretty Things (oh, you pretty things) Don't you know you're driving Norman Wisdom insane? With the Mary Jane Goodbye Phil May and Electric Banana
10.
Always on TV, on another journey Michael Portillo's red Chinos Off on a train, again and again Michael Portillo's red Chinos I even saw them in Fife, heading up to Dundee It's not top gear, but it's our licence fee With a blazer that's green, they're fucking obscene Michael Portillo's red Chinos Fuck off!
11.
Jimmy Savile was a philanthropist Stick that on your list The next time you decide to defend a statue Try to think it through Why d'you think he felt the need to give away money Salving your bloody conscience is not philanthropy Edward Colston, slave trader, and Henry Dundas Don't get a pass
12.
Olly Murs 01:27
Do you remember Pretty In Pink by The Psychedelic Furs? I'll tell you who isn't pretty in the pink - Olly fucking Murs He wants us to think he's a cheeky wee tinker He wants us to buy his singles But you should see what he can do with a tube of Pringles... It isn't pretty Nn nn nn nn Ew Olly Murs Put away your penis
13.
I slipped out this morning from Farthing Wood Went down the high street to look for food Climbed on the roof of a chemist shop I scratched my arse and down I dropped Northampton feeling (Northampton feeling) I'm a badger in Superdrug (Northampton feeling) I fell through the ceiling (Northampton feeling) Now I'm snaffling up Tresemme Rimmel of London and Lynx Body Spray There's a squirrel in Sainsbury's A toad in Tesco A weasel in Waitrose A cow in Costco A pig in Poundstretcher An owl in Aldi hoots A Llama in Lidl And bats in Boots Northampton feeling (Northampton feeling) I'm a badger in Superdrug (Northampton feeling) I fell through the ceiling (Northampton feeling) Now I'm snaffling up Tresemme Rimmel of London and Lynx Body Spray
14.
Day after day Public money Is paid out to parasites called royalty And one prince isn't sweating He can see that we're all just fools And he never gives an answer But the nonce watching golf Pockets 16K To watch men hitting balls And the taxpayers pay His brother too Flys around the UK Taking the piss, no matter what anyone says And he never listens to them He knows that they're the fools They don't like him The nonce watching golf Doesn't want us to see And the rest of the crew Plead poverty Oh oh oh oh Fuck em all
15.
Now I'm a Scottish man Amazed at what I am I like to think when I have a drink I'm a sociable man I like England too But not that Westminster crew And there's a certain element - a right bunch of cunts Who'll riot over a statue There is no life left in the Union There is no life left in the Union There is no life left in the Union Let's socially distance From those far right English cunts
16.
Kirsty Wark thinks she can talk the talk But Kirsty Wark can't even Kirsty Wark She tried to make a documentary To frame Alex Salmond on the BBC It's pretty obvious she thought that he Would end up being found guilty She looked so disappointed, she was wrong Re-trial by telly is just plain wrong It's dooby dooby dooby dubious Jack McConnell's pal looked a bit put out It was pretty obvious, there's no doubt She didn't like the judgement of the jury Not enough filth, but plenty fury
17.
Desmond Swayne is a strange person He won't buy clothes, looks like Colonel White Or Freddie Starr He won't mask up, he will not shop, he's ragin' A selfish view, see through baby blue He's mental Oh, Desmond Swayne Toryiously insane and on remission This monstrous imposition, this monstrous imposition, this monstrous imposition My constituents are reluctant and outraged The tiny brain of Desmond Swayne Desmond Sway ay ayne
18.
I wouldn't touch a Russian with a ten foot pole, Ten foot pole, ten foot pole I wouldn't touch a Russian with a ten foot pole Nyet, nyet, nyet Well we published a report which said we looked away, Looked away, looked away We employed a secret operative who looked away A ten foot Polish man Let's not investigate cos we're scared of what we'll find Ignorance is bliss I see no ships Through my blind eye I wouldn't touch a Russian with a ten foot pole, Ten foot pole, ten foot pole I wouldn't touch a Russian with a ten foot pole Nyet, nyet, nyet, nyet, nyet
19.
Here come the "free speech" columnists Making profit for their boss Flexing their unsubtle wrists Tossing off some right wing toss In a national newspaper You'll hear their constant moan Screaming out "Where's our voice?" Through a megaphone 'Old it, flash, bang, wallop, what a column What a column, what a bloody laugh Poor old souls, the middle mass Blowing snide bombs out their arse Shout loud, stamp yer feet Saying you're being silenced What a creature, special feature Always smug and always cunts In their Margaret Thatcher Y Fronts Watch that privilege Have another few quid Stick it in your Thatcher Y fronts
20.
It All Now 00:54
Everytime you hear this song You have to tell everyone Or else the joke doesn't work at all 'I've heard it all now' you can say Cos that's the title. Type away. I've heard It All Now It all now, it all now, it all now I've heard it all now

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released December 9, 2020

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