1. |
Is That Covid?
01:22
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I can’t be arsed doing anything,
Now is that covid?
I’m shit at snooker and dancing,
Now is that covid?
The sweater, sweater, sweatier I get
The more that I forget
If that is COV
I just get pissed or lie about,
Now is that, is that
I put my pants on inside out,
Now is that, is that
Rougher, rougher than a badger's arse
I'm also crap at darts
Now that is COV
I can't play the violin or piano
I can't make banana bread or sour dough
Legge's up with a book and a drink,
Now is that COV? It's making you think,eh?
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2. |
Get Mad
02:47
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3. |
I Don't Remember Crowds
01:25
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A gathering, a protest march
What’s the difference? Here’s a chart
I’ve got some figures, and an app
Isle of Wight - stay in
Massage the numbers, dirty tricks
Cheltenham, Stereophonics
Allowed out to play for politics,
I’ve looked at crowds that way.
I’ve looked at crowds from both sides now
From up & down and still somehow,
It’s crowds’ illusions I recall
I don't remember crowds at all
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4. |
Corona Con
01:54
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You've got the virus, we've got the ads
Let's make lots of money
Bombarding your telly and your iPads
Let's make lots of money
I've had enough of zooming - every ad is now the same
Non celebrity squares, a disingenuous game
I'm sure the marketing business can get the rona fixed
Ask yourself this question do you want to be rich
You've got the virus, we've got the ads
Let's make lots of money
In these uncertain times, buy our shit, don't be sad
Let's make lots of money
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5. |
Chris Whitty
01:05
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Step up to the podium
Lockdown, isn't it a pity
Here's the CMO, Chris Whitty
Compared to Matt Hancock, he's pretty
He's a fan of Scritti Polliti
All around, people looking half dead
But not Chris with his alien monk head
And at night he's a different guy
Necking lager, getting high
Each time he goes to bed he prays
Like Aretha Franklin, hey
He's the chief in Westminster city
By night, he's Green Gartside
CMO, Chris Whitty
CMO, Chris Whitty
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6. |
Facebook Expert
00:46
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Don't know much about history
Don't know much epidemiology*
Don't know much about science at all
Don't know anything medical
But I do have a mobile phone
And a million opinions
I'm a Facebook expert, look at me
*from a tweet by @TheRealSteveDay
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7. |
Keep The Heid
01:40
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"It's in everybody's interest that we just all keep the heid around this and do the right things."
Keep the heid
Keep the heid
I was thirsting for a beer (keep the heid, keep the heid)
But pubs now have no atmosphere (keep the heid, keep the heid)
It's hard enough to keep distance
I was dying for a piss
Thank god the bogs are contactless
Entering the Gents - good grief! (keep the heid, keep the heid)
They've actually got soap in here (keep the heid, keep the heid)
I've never seen that before
Working taps and hand cleanser
There's guys washing their hands - wooah!
I've seen every pub there is
Been to every dive there is
Been in loads just for a piss
But I've never seen anything like this
Keeping a urinal apart - it's bliss
Cleaning products at the sink
We're gonna keep the heid, keep the heid
Keep the heid, keep the heid
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8. |
Hermit
02:09
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I think I want to be a hermit
Living on bread and beer and cheese
I don't think I need a permit
I'll grow a beard down to my knees
Don't wanna go out tonight
Everything is shite
I'm in a bad mood all the time
Looks like we're not in this together
People are lapping up the lies
Looks like we're in for nazi weather
Time for me to say my goodbyes
Don't wanna go out tonight
Everything is shite
I'm in a bad mood all the time
Russian, American or British
Chinese and all points inbetween
Every roadside verge is full of rubbish
Modern life is mad and mean
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9. |
||||
Remember when we'd go out for a drink or two
A pint of Tennents, a vodka and Irn Bru
Now we go to Tesco and stand in a long queue
oh a oh
Keeping six feet apart and wearing a face mask
The atmosphere is pretty tense, it's a hard ask
And all because some clown ate a diseased bat
oh a oh
Our grandchildren
oh-a-oh
What will we tell them?
COVID-19 killed all of the bars
COVID-19 killed all of the bars
Lockdown came and broke our hearts,
Oh, aoh, oh, oh, oh
And now we meet in tiny squares upon a screen
Trying to recreate some kind of pub scene
Doing a zoom quiz or a fucking meme
oh a oh
You weren't the first one
oh a oh
You weren't the last one
COVID-19 killed all of the bars
COVID-19 killed all of the bars
Lockdown came and broke our hearts,
We can't rewind we've gone too far
Oh I don't miss VAR
Oh I think I'll jump in my car
COVID-19 killed all of the bars
COVID-19 killed all of the bars
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10. |
Aberdeen Anguish
00:33
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Aberdeen anguish
Mind yer virus
Oh dear, Nicola Sturgeon's really mad at Aberdeen
Now eight of their players have been placed in quarantine
They went out for a drink and what do you think happened?
Wham bam, shitty little covid
Has brought back the lockdown
Some pubs just got greedy
And closed down the whole town
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11. |
||||
The problem is all inside your head," she said to me
"The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your comedy career
She said, "The Chancellor's got a point, don't you agree?
There's far too many comedians in comedy
We only need the same ones who are always on TV
There must be fifty ways to leave your comedy career
Fifty ways to leave your comedy career"
Go to work in Tesco, Jo
Driving a van, Jan
Get to Amazon warehouse, Klaus
Lidl for Sid'll do
Try driving a bus, Gus
What is all the fuss?
Just listen to Richi
And get yourself free
Retrain in Waitrose
Or put on a red nose
They need clowns in Poundland
Pack cheese in Aldi's
Stack pasta in Asda
Your set's a disaster
Just listen to Richi
And set yourself free
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12. |
||||
I don't want to share my whisky but still do
I don't need to spend my money but still do
Don't pull a strop now, c'mon
Strap it on now, c'mon
It's not a muzzle ya prat, c'mon
It's not left, it's not right
I said masks on, cos we're all Marxists now
Masks on, cos we're all Marxists now
Masks on, cos we're all Marxists now
Mask life!
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13. |
Fear Of Cotton
03:11
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It's covid time, and anti-maskers are afraid
At covid time, to put cotton on their face
And in our world of plenty, they can only think of themselves
Raise your scissors high guys at covid time
So say a prayer and pray for the stupid ones
At covid time, it's hard but while you're having fun
There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear
People ripping tissues are screaming freedom in your ear
And the brain cells that they cling to are being drowned in froth
Well tonight they're reaching out and touching cloth
Bring peace and joy this covid time to everyone
Except for selfish bastards with no clue ooooh
Why is helping others feared?
Why are grown adults scared?
Do they know they're useless, I'm not sure
Here's to you
Raise a glass to everyone
Carol Decker
And Mark Dolan
Do they know there's a pandemic on at all?
Fear of cotton, do they know it's not about them?
Fear of cotton, how would they cope in a war zone?
Fear of cotton, get a grip you utter arseholes
Fear of cotton, Ian Brown wants to be a corpse
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14. |
Lockdown 2
00:55
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We're going to lockdown 2
What are you gonna do?
I'm just getting higher
Because in lockdown 2
For the many a curfew
Welcome to my skip fire
I used to try to get fitter
But that just didn't last
It's not that I'm getting bitter
It's just I cannae be arsed
How about you?
I'm going to lockdown 2
Elect a kangaroo
Boing Boing - hiya!
Ooh yeah in lockdown 2
I'm giving up the news
And joining a hell choir
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15. |
Eat Out To Help Out
01:21
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You shall have a fishy on a little dishy
Thanks to our wonderful Chancellor Rishi
With these vouchers you are really spoiling us
But only from Monday to Wednesday, cuz
He knows what'll get us out of this mess
£10 off at Pizza Express
Well, the Tory donors told him, "You gotta make some money"
So come up with a slogan and try to make it funny
Eat Out To Help Out sounds nice
Or have a cheeky Nando at half price
Sometimes I think they haven't got a clue
Abandon the vulnerable - that's all they ever do
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16. |
Daniel Rashford
01:27
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Matt Hancock is laughing again
This time he can't remember a footballer's name
I see Kay Burley asking him why
Oh it looks like Boris and Matt Hancock are lying (again)
Oh oh oh, who's Daniel Rashford? Is he Marcus's twin?
Do you really not know his name after he saved your skin
And Boris lied, the two of you have died
Daniel you're a star in Matt Hancock's eyes
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17. |
Fatima
01:49
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Fatima’s working in cyber
she’s learned how to snoop and to hack
she’s talented, driven, and passionate
her revenge a cold feast, not a snack
Rishi’s bank account there on a spreadsheet
a few clicks of the keys, and… goodbye
Hancock’s now being sought on charges of fraud
Gove for intent to supply
Cummings just never existed
his records amended, deleted
Johnson pursued for child maintenance payments
left penniless, bankrupt, defeated
Rees-Mogg’s found his place in a workhouse
learning to do what he’s told
and a freighter crawls to St Helena
with Priti Patel in the hold
Yes, Fatima’s working in cyber
she’s smart, and she seizes her chances
at the end of the day, puts her laptop away
picks her shoes up
and smiles as she dances.
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18. |
My Spreadsheet Is Full
00:59
|
|||
I'd like to set the records straight
But the tables won't participate
They're filling up and so am I
My IT skills will not comply
I'm only trying to track and trace
But I can't even cut and paste
Excel, Excel, my Excel spreadsheet
Excel, Excel, my Excel spreadsheet
Excel, Excel,
My spreadsheet is full
My spreadsheet is full
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19. |
Van Der Plague Generator
01:27
|
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When you don't need an answer
When you don't need an answer
When you don't meet a chancer
From over the Irish Sea came Van Plague
Generating more conspiracy - plague came
Plague came & we're not the same
All around is pure tension
Beliefs and tears now & again
From where has this great sadness came
It was an evil plague
It was spread through mobile phones
The internet is in our bones
He's making an EP - Van Plague
They're calling him Van Morrissey - play it again Van
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20. |
Gie's A Shot
01:00
|
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I could be a pensioner, a student or on duty
I could live in Glasgow, Aberdeen or Tillicoultry
I could be a plumber from Lochgelly or Kirkcaldy
I just want the vaccine running through my body
Gie's a shot
Gie's a shot
Gie's a shot
Gie's a shot
Because I chose to play the fool who sings the news,
Nobody respects my views
Think of the poor satirists, don't think of the weans
Gie's a shot! Gie's a shot!
Straight into my veins
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