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That Was The Covid Year That Was

by Various Artists

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I can’t be arsed doing anything, Now is that covid? I’m shit at snooker and dancing, Now is that covid? The sweater, sweater, sweatier I get The more that I forget If that is COV I just get pissed or lie about, Now is that, is that I put my pants on inside out, Now is that, is that Rougher, rougher than a badger's arse I'm also crap at darts Now that is COV I can't play the violin or piano I can't make banana bread or sour dough Legge's up with a book and a drink, Now is that COV? It's making you think,eh?
Get Mad 02:47
A gathering, a protest march What’s the difference? Here’s a chart I’ve got some figures, and an app Isle of Wight - stay in Massage the numbers, dirty tricks Cheltenham, Stereophonics Allowed out to play for politics, I’ve looked at crowds that way. I’ve looked at crowds from both sides now From up & down and still somehow, It’s crowds’ illusions I recall I don't remember crowds at all
Corona Con 01:54
You've got the virus, we've got the ads Let's make lots of money Bombarding your telly and your iPads Let's make lots of money I've had enough of zooming - every ad is now the same Non celebrity squares, a disingenuous game I'm sure the marketing business can get the rona fixed Ask yourself this question do you want to be rich You've got the virus, we've got the ads Let's make lots of money In these uncertain times, buy our shit, don't be sad Let's make lots of money
Chris Whitty 01:05
Step up to the podium Lockdown, isn't it a pity Here's the CMO, Chris Whitty Compared to Matt Hancock, he's pretty He's a fan of Scritti Polliti All around, people looking half dead But not Chris with his alien monk head And at night he's a different guy Necking lager, getting high Each time he goes to bed he prays Like Aretha Franklin, hey He's the chief in Westminster city By night, he's Green Gartside CMO, Chris Whitty CMO, Chris Whitty
Don't know much about history Don't know much epidemiology* Don't know much about science at all Don't know anything medical But I do have a mobile phone And a million opinions I'm a Facebook expert, look at me *from a tweet by @TheRealSteveDay
"It's in everybody's interest that we just all keep the heid around this and do the right things." Keep the heid Keep the heid I was thirsting for a beer (keep the heid, keep the heid) But pubs now have no atmosphere (keep the heid, keep the heid) It's hard enough to keep distance I was dying for a piss Thank god the bogs are contactless Entering the Gents - good grief! (keep the heid, keep the heid) They've actually got soap in here (keep the heid, keep the heid) I've never seen that before Working taps and hand cleanser There's guys washing their hands - wooah! I've seen every pub there is Been to every dive there is Been in loads just for a piss But I've never seen anything like this Keeping a urinal apart - it's bliss Cleaning products at the sink We're gonna keep the heid, keep the heid Keep the heid, keep the heid
Hermit 02:09
I think I want to be a hermit Living on bread and beer and cheese I don't think I need a permit I'll grow a beard down to my knees Don't wanna go out tonight Everything is shite I'm in a bad mood all the time Looks like we're not in this together People are lapping up the lies Looks like we're in for nazi weather Time for me to say my goodbyes Don't wanna go out tonight Everything is shite I'm in a bad mood all the time Russian, American or British Chinese and all points inbetween Every roadside verge is full of rubbish Modern life is mad and mean
Remember when we'd go out for a drink or two A pint of Tennents, a vodka and Irn Bru Now we go to Tesco and stand in a long queue oh a oh Keeping six feet apart and wearing a face mask The atmosphere is pretty tense, it's a hard ask And all because some clown ate a diseased bat oh a oh Our grandchildren oh-a-oh What will we tell them? COVID-19 killed all of the bars COVID-19 killed all of the bars Lockdown came and broke our hearts, Oh, aoh, oh, oh, oh And now we meet in tiny squares upon a screen Trying to recreate some kind of pub scene Doing a zoom quiz or a fucking meme oh a oh You weren't the first one oh a oh You weren't the last one COVID-19 killed all of the bars COVID-19 killed all of the bars Lockdown came and broke our hearts, We can't rewind we've gone too far Oh I don't miss VAR Oh I think I'll jump in my car COVID-19 killed all of the bars COVID-19 killed all of the bars
Aberdeen anguish Mind yer virus Oh dear, Nicola Sturgeon's really mad at Aberdeen Now eight of their players have been placed in quarantine They went out for a drink and what do you think happened? Wham bam, shitty little covid Has brought back the lockdown Some pubs just got greedy And closed down the whole town
The problem is all inside your head," she said to me "The answer is easy if you take it logically I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free There must be fifty ways to leave your comedy career She said, "The Chancellor's got a point, don't you agree? There's far too many comedians in comedy We only need the same ones who are always on TV There must be fifty ways to leave your comedy career Fifty ways to leave your comedy career" Go to work in Tesco, Jo Driving a van, Jan Get to Amazon warehouse, Klaus Lidl for Sid'll do Try driving a bus, Gus What is all the fuss? Just listen to Richi And get yourself free Retrain in Waitrose Or put on a red nose They need clowns in Poundland Pack cheese in Aldi's Stack pasta in Asda Your set's a disaster Just listen to Richi And set yourself free
I don't want to share my whisky but still do I don't need to spend my money but still do Don't pull a strop now, c'mon Strap it on now, c'mon It's not a muzzle ya prat, c'mon It's not left, it's not right I said masks on, cos we're all Marxists now Masks on, cos we're all Marxists now Masks on, cos we're all Marxists now Mask life!
It's covid time, and anti-maskers are afraid At covid time, to put cotton on their face And in our world of plenty, they can only think of themselves Raise your scissors high guys at covid time So say a prayer and pray for the stupid ones At covid time, it's hard but while you're having fun There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear People ripping tissues are screaming freedom in your ear And the brain cells that they cling to are being drowned in froth Well tonight they're reaching out and touching cloth Bring peace and joy this covid time to everyone Except for selfish bastards with no clue ooooh Why is helping others feared? Why are grown adults scared? Do they know they're useless, I'm not sure Here's to you Raise a glass to everyone Carol Decker And Mark Dolan Do they know there's a pandemic on at all? Fear of cotton, do they know it's not about them? Fear of cotton, how would they cope in a war zone? Fear of cotton, get a grip you utter arseholes Fear of cotton, Ian Brown wants to be a corpse
Lockdown 2 00:55
We're going to lockdown 2 What are you gonna do? I'm just getting higher Because in lockdown 2 For the many a curfew Welcome to my skip fire I used to try to get fitter But that just didn't last It's not that I'm getting bitter It's just I cannae be arsed How about you? I'm going to lockdown 2 Elect a kangaroo Boing Boing - hiya! Ooh yeah in lockdown 2 I'm giving up the news And joining a hell choir
You shall have a fishy on a little dishy Thanks to our wonderful Chancellor Rishi With these vouchers you are really spoiling us But only from Monday to Wednesday, cuz He knows what'll get us out of this mess £10 off at Pizza Express Well, the Tory donors told him, "You gotta make some money" So come up with a slogan and try to make it funny Eat Out To Help Out sounds nice Or have a cheeky Nando at half price Sometimes I think they haven't got a clue Abandon the vulnerable - that's all they ever do
Matt Hancock is laughing again This time he can't remember a footballer's name I see Kay Burley asking him why Oh it looks like Boris and Matt Hancock are lying (again) Oh oh oh, who's Daniel Rashford? Is he Marcus's twin? Do you really not know his name after he saved your skin And Boris lied, the two of you have died Daniel you're a star in Matt Hancock's eyes
Fatima 01:49
Fatima’s working in cyber she’s learned how to snoop and to hack she’s talented, driven, and passionate her revenge a cold feast, not a snack Rishi’s bank account there on a spreadsheet a few clicks of the keys, and… goodbye Hancock’s now being sought on charges of fraud Gove for intent to supply Cummings just never existed his records amended, deleted Johnson pursued for child maintenance payments left penniless, bankrupt, defeated Rees-Mogg’s found his place in a workhouse learning to do what he’s told and a freighter crawls to St Helena with Priti Patel in the hold Yes, Fatima’s working in cyber she’s smart, and she seizes her chances at the end of the day, puts her laptop away picks her shoes up and smiles as she dances.
I'd like to set the records straight But the tables won't participate They're filling up and so am I My IT skills will not comply I'm only trying to track and trace But I can't even cut and paste Excel, Excel, my Excel spreadsheet Excel, Excel, my Excel spreadsheet Excel, Excel, My spreadsheet is full My spreadsheet is full
When you don't need an answer When you don't need an answer When you don't meet a chancer From over the Irish Sea came Van Plague Generating more conspiracy - plague came Plague came & we're not the same All around is pure tension Beliefs and tears now & again From where has this great sadness came It was an evil plague It was spread through mobile phones The internet is in our bones He's making an EP - Van Plague They're calling him Van Morrissey - play it again Van
Gie's A Shot 01:00
I could be a pensioner, a student or on duty I could live in Glasgow, Aberdeen or Tillicoultry I could be a plumber from Lochgelly or Kirkcaldy I just want the vaccine running through my body Gie's a shot Gie's a shot Gie's a shot Gie's a shot Because I chose to play the fool who sings the news, Nobody respects my views Think of the poor satirists, don't think of the weans Gie's a shot! Gie's a shot! Straight into my veins


released December 28, 2020


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Various Artists Scotland, UK

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