1. |
Cunt In A Clown Suit
02:01
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Do you remember that guy on the beach
When we were filming for this song?
I was dressed from head to toe
In a clown suit
I got the message for 'Action!' and
I start singing and walking but when I do
This old geezer with an old dog
Walked between me and the camera
Well, knowing this is gonna take a while
I walked past him, sat next to camera
In my full costume waiting for him to pass
The director says, excuse me Mr
Do you know who this is?
The old guy says, 'Of course I do!
It's some cunt in a clown suit.'
That made me realise
I'm just a cunt in a clown suit
Filming on the beach - what a hoot
I'm just a cunt in a clown suit
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2. |
Derrida
02:42
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I'm a deconstruction worker
Riding in the back seat of my car
Master of applied linguistics
Jacques Derrida
If you wanna get post structural
On Speech and Phenomena
I'm on the Margins of Philosophy
Jacques Derrida
So inviting, social sciences and the arts
Literally critical mutation
Jacques Derrida
I wouldn't do it for money
I'm just wiped out with things as they are
My psychoanalysis is so funny
And I c'mon like a regular superstar
An aesthetic transformation
Jacques Derrida
So inviting, social sciences and the arts
Ontological exploitation
Jacques Derrida
Get it on yeah
Phenomenology is so sexy
Anthropology is bizarre
Don't get me started on political theory
Or Foucault or Jean Paul Sartre
I could fall asleep at night
As Jacques Derrida (rock n roll star)
I could fall in love all right
As Jacques Derrida (rock n roll star)
Jacques Derrida
Jacques Derrida
Just watch me now
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3. |
Jonathan Meades Dancing
02:36
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Jon-a-than Meades
Jonathan’s pretty cute
He always wears a suit
With his sunglasses on
Bet your life he’s puttin’ us on
Oh, lordy
Oh, lordy
You know I need Jonathan
Talkin’
At me
Jonathan Meades dancing
On architecture
Or anything really
He turns me on
That’s why I’m singing this song
Jonathan dancing
Off Kilter was quick and lean
Jargon, a well-thumbed machine
I watched every episode
Made my eyes, my brain, my heart explode
Oh, lordy
Oh, lordy
You know I need more Jonathan
Talkin’
At me
Jonathan Meades dancing
On architecture
Or anything really
He turns me on
That’s why I’m singing this song
Jonathan dancing
Jonathan Meades dancing
On architecture
Or anything really
He turns me on
That’s why I’m singing this song
Jonathan dancing
Dancing
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4. |
Modern Day Presidential
02:18
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This little fat man who sold his soul
I don’t want to be hacked
I don’t think there’s ever been a president
That’s done what we’ve done
I wanna find a friendly reporter
Are you a friendly reporter?
I do get good ratings
I’m really not a bad person by the way
I see tone
Anti-Trump
The tone!
I don’t have to tell you
What I’m going to do in North Korea
And I don’t have to tell you
What I’m gonna do with Iran
I just have nobody to speak to
I find it very very hard
Doing what the law says exactly to do
I see tone
You know the word tone
Anti-Trump
Chubby little loser
Modern day presidential
Tweeting like a tiny child
Modern day presidential chubby thumbs
Chubby thumbs terrifies me
Chubby thumbs on the lavvy
Chubby thumbs gets away with anything
I love to negotiate things
I do it really well and all that stuff
Quiet quiet quiet
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5. |
Oh, The Pretty Things
02:20
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Wake up, you sleepy head
Put on a blazer and cap on your head
You had too much to smoke last night
You called Mr Grimsdale a shite
Put on a record, take off your dressing gown
Listen to The Pretty Things doing Don’t Bring Me Down
What’s Good For The Goose dear
Wasn’t good for your career
Oh, The Pretty Things (oh, you pretty things)
Don’t you know you’re driving Norman Wisdom insane?
Oh, The Pretty Things (oh, you pretty things)
Don’t you know you’re driving Norman Wisdom insane?
With the Mary Jane
Goodbye Phil May and Electric Banana
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6. |
The Laughing Nob
02:35
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I was watching bloody Newsnight,
When I saw a Billy Bunter
And he was a little old man ([Hello!])
In drab black and gray, chuckling away
Well he trotted out the usual
As he sat beside Kirsty ([Ahh!])
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day
“I ought to report you to the Gnome Office.”
[“Gnome Office? Ahahahah!”]
Mark Francois, hee, hee, hee
He’s a laughing nob and a cunt you see
Mark Francois, hee, hee, hee
I’m a laughing gnome and you can’t catch me,
Said the laughing nob
Well I gave him bully beef and carrots
And a glass of Pimms. ([*burp* Pardon…])
Then I put him in a time machine
Packed his bag, and gave him a flag.
[“Have you got a light, boy?”]
“Here, where do you come from?”
[“Gnome-man’s land, heehee!”]
Oh, for fuck sake
In the morning, when I woke up,
He was back on the fucking telly,
Talking bout sticking it to Gerry
He’d brought Fred along to sing us a song.
“Alright, let’s hear it… ‘ere, what’s that clicking noise?”
[“That’s Fred, he’s a metro-gnome, haha!”]
Jesus Christ
Mark Francois, hee, hee, hee
He’s a laughing nob and a cunt you see
Mark Francois, hee, hee, hee
He’s a laughing nob and a cunt you see
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7. |
Breaking Wind
01:27
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Biden has been breaking wind near Camilla again
Listen
Don’t look at the carpet, he dribbled something awful on it
See
He’s such a wonderful person
But he’s got problems
Oh-oh-oh-oh
He’s gonna follow through
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8. |
Future Dog End
01:22
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And in the death,
as the alt right corpses lay rotting on the slimy thoroughfare,
the shutters lifted in inches in Bute House
high on Charlotte Square.
And red, mutant eyes gazed down on Embra City.
No more big wheels.
New Labour fleas the size of rats sucked on neoliberal rats the size of cats
And ten thousand populists split into small tribes
Coveting the highest of the sterile statues
Like packs of dogs assaulting the glass fronts of Harvey Nichols
Ripping and rewrapping illegally hunted fox, now legwarmers
Family badge of post-truth and cracked Brexit
Any day now
The Return of the living dead
"This ain't Rottenrow
This is Jenners. Hide!"
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9. |
Imposter Syndrome
03:13
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Sartre takes a cigarette, puts it in his mouth
He ponders what he’s done, imposter syndrome he can not forget
The waiter is acting the part of a waiter, he’s not finished yet
Even Nicola rocks a role inside
You’re never too old to lose it, never too young to choose it
And the concept of authenticity has to be worked on
You don’t walk past cafes, you sit down and eat croissants
Even Nicola rocks a role inside
Death draws the final point when we as beings cease to live for ourselves
And permanently become objects that exist only for the outside world
Don’t let the Sun cast a shadow
Don’t let the Mirror ride your mind
It is natural to be unreligious and kind
Oh Nicola, you’re not alone
You’re watching yourself but you’re too unfair
You got your head all tangled up but if I could only make you care
Oh Nicola, you’re not alone
No matter what or who you’ve been
No matter when or where you’ve seen
The unexamined life will lacerate your brain
I’ve had my share, I’ll help you with the pain
You’re not alone
Just turn on with me and you’re not alone
We’re condemned to be free – you are not alone (existential)
Gimme your brains, you’re existential (existential)
Gimme your brains, you’re existential (existential)
Oh gimme your brains
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10. |
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11. |
Tactful Thistle
02:51
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Tactful thistle in Strathmiglo
Surveys the prairie of Dunoon
Mobile phones spin out derision
Nicola puts her twitter feed on hold
They've called the cops out on the west side
To all the cybernats at home
But the key to the meeja
Is in the Sun that pins allegiance to Sky
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12. |
Fife Years
01:55
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Pushing through St Andrews Square
So many actors flyering (flyering)
News had just come over
We had Fifers left and right here
News guy wept when he told us
Earlsferry's dire (dire)
But no-one trusted the BBC anymore
So I knew he was a liar (liar)
He said telephones, inside bogs, electricity,
Soy sauce not known in Kelty
People treat it like a whorehouse, they really didn't care
But there's so many great things going on in there
And all the Strathkinness people
And all the Dunshalt people
And all the Kirkcaldy people
And all the Cellardyke people
I never thought I'd need Lochgelly people
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13. |
Queen Radge
01:04
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I'm up on Scott Monument watching the tourists below
There's a piper on Princes Street trying hard to blow blow blow
Well he's known in the darkest close for pushing ahead when in Jenners
If he says he can play it, then he can play it, but he don't do The Proclaimers
Walk out Easter Road for 500 Miles
Oh no not him
He's so pishy in his tartan tat
In his kilt towel and see you Jimmy Hat
Oh god I could do better than that
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14. |
Central Belt Blues
04:01
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I count the corpses on my left, I find they're East Kilbridey
There's a lot of new towns in the central belt
We've had twenty more built since Friday
And I can't control it
My instincts are to run amok, not thole it
I'll slash Glencoe, Kilmarnock's dead
And Penicuik's folks off their heads
Ardrossan out from Saltcoats is red
But now I've got the Central Belt blues
Is this the real Fife?
Am I in Pittenweem?
In Auctermuchty, no-one can hear you scream
I was all lost in the central belt.
You've no idea how scary that felt.
Didn't know what town it was
Airdrie or Linlithgow
It could have been Musselburgh or even Port Glasgow
It was a wintry night
The signs were cloaked in snow
If it was Glasgow, we would see the city lights
Inverkeithing, we'd smell the shite
Like Frankie Zappa
Trapped in hazy cosmic Fife
There's a barman working in Kilsyth
He'd like to get ti Falkirk
Or to Ladybank in Fife
There's a barman working in Kilsyth
He might consider Bathgate,
Cumbernauld or Inverclyde
He told me
I don't want to go to Paisley
Helensburgh would drive me crazy
Maybe I should move to Lenzie
I had to phone someone
So I picked on Jackie Bird
I know that sounds absurd
But she knows her Scotlandwell I've heard
Look out your window, she said,
Can you see the Clyde?
Does it sparkle or smell of formaldehyde?
I thought, She's lost it now,
I wish I'd never tried
There's a barman working in Kilsyth
He'd like to get ti Falkirk
Or to Ladybank in Fife
Or La la la la Largs
La la Larkhall
Lower Largo
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15. |
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16. |
Piss In The Sink
01:47
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