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Now That's What I Call Scotland

by Various Artists

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1.
Wee Country 03:55
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From Newtonmore to Newton Mearns We’re aw Jock Tamson’s bairns But it’s no aw glamour. it’s no aw glitz Jock Tamson’s on benefits In this wee country Wee country Wi a massive, massive heart Traditional or anti-folk As long as it disnae gie ye the boak Just sing out an honest song And if you want you can sing along Blue or green, black or white or maroon Dinnae let the country doon By acting like a tribe or a clique That’s what makes us pathetic and weak Aye, we’re aw Jock Tamson’s bairns As long as you’re no sectarians Don’t fall for the auld, auld trick Of divide and conquer ya stupid wee prick If your card’s SNP, Tory, Labour or Nectar I’m combing this land wi ma bullshit detector Looking for clichés and sniffing out shite We’re all in this together – aye that’ll be right I hope, I don’t pray, I think, I don’t wish I hate all this sentimental pish It’s no about Braveheart, it’s no about kilts Or masonic lodges or catholic guilt
2.
Jocko Euro 02:34
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S-C-O-T-L-A-N-D That's how we spell This wee country From Jedburgh To John O Groats Wake up and smell The porridge oats Are we not Scots? Jocko Homo Are we Lulu? Naw we are no In Cumbernauld They're Scottish too It's no their fault Their toon is new So's Glenrothes And East Kilbride Are we inbred? Only in Fife Are we not Scots? Jocko Homo Are we Lulu? Naw we are no Are we not mince? Jocko Euro God made Scots But unfortunately That means he made Sean Connery He walks like an ape Talks like an ape Does what a monkey can do God made Shotts And Paisley too We must repeat Jocko Euro We must repeat Jocko Homo We must repeat D-E-V-O We must repeat O.k. lets go! Rule Britannia Marmalade and jam 5 Chinese crackers up your jacksie Boom boom, bang, boom bang Hey!
3.
If Burns Was Alive Today 02:27
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Here’s a reply to the laddies For you know men urnae aw baddies There’s many things that women can do That men cannae Like gie birth while wearing false eyelashes While yer man’s crying like a fanny Ma mammy could use a sandal as a weapon And control the hoose as she made soup Ma daddy couldnae figure oot how to jump through that hoop He tried and he failed but men are great too Daddies and grandas – we aw had a few Who knew the score, who came to the fore When women needed the hauners Now imagine if Burns was alive in these corners If Burns were here in covid times If Burns was still in oor life He’d be giving us all of his rhymes And runnin away fae a wife He’d hate to be woke Haw haw – that’d gie him the boke He’d be in the street wearing a mask He’d be on twitter Taking twits to task He’d ca’ big Boris a bam He’d be using words like ‘bo’ and ‘fam’ He’d have a TikTok dance that went viral He’d get cancelled for using the biro For writin’ doon wurds that upset the burds But he wouldnae care He’d double doon and ca’ them fuds He’d fight wi trolls and call them beasties He’d have to keep explaining the word ‘breasties’ He’d be on telly on a comedy panel Hittin’ them wi all his flannel He’d have a huge following on his YouTube channel Influencers would scowl at his heels And his poems would give us all the feels Facebook would ban him every day As he tried to get oot what he wanted to say The internet would be upended Oh everybody would be offended They’d scream at his words as he tickled the burds And laugh as he shoutit, ‘No hell mended’ Burns would have his ain website Wi a chat room for lassies alone And the snowflakes would shout and scream no doubt Like a pompous wee dug wi a bone But he’d laugh in their face and he’d say, ‘Am no fae this place I’m fae a time when a rose was a rose. You aw hate me now and ye caw me a sow But you’ll need me when ye want ti propose.’ An’ he’s right Burns had foresight Men and wimmen have changed since his day And I’m sure we can see that now But, aw, to be winched by a man Rough in the field Writin’ poems over a plough So let’s all raise our glasses To the lads and the lassies who made Burns’s heart beat so loud
4.
No Smacking, No Fracking, No Union Jacking 02:48
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S.C.O.T.L.A.N.D Massive heart, wee country Reject the landlord, reject the laird Celebrate John Logie Baird And Alexander Graham Bell I could make a list like Billy Joel But that would be just too cringey Cheap and easy and real stingey So let us scotch those stereotypes Tartan, shortbread and bagpipes Walter Scott monumental myths And concentrate on the politics We legislate ahead of them all We got the minimum price of alcohol Our policies are ahead of the pack And we’ll be the first to leave the Union Jack No Smacking No Fracking No Union Jacking Lay down and take it Or forcibly make it on our own The lion and the unicorn Just Westminster soft porn They want to pour their love on us They say we’re equal partners They weren’t listening then, they’re not listening now How long must we kow tow We don’t want to smack, we don’t wanna frack We just want our dignity back So you go ahead and snub your nose And strut in your emperor’s new clothes We’re being dragged into a hole A laughing stock, a begging bowl Is what we’re being reduced to Can we have some more? No thank you We’ll march until our feet are sore I cannot take this any more
5.
Here In Scotland 02:49
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Here, there are lots of things to do And panoramic views Of countryside completely surrounding you And here there’s plenty Labour tears You’re never getting back, never, never Basically, I guess it could be worse Yes, I do suppose it could be worse Here, there are many, many sheep And a lot of folk asleep But their hearts are in the right places underneath their ribs And we don’t need Labour Saying people ‘up there’ – you haven’t learned a thing Jess Phillips won’t break our little pact Jess Phillips, don’t bother coming back Up here in Scotland without you Up here in Scotland without you Up here in Scotland without you It must be Hell knowing your ignorance will keep you out of here For years and years and years Meh, do you even really care What’s happening ‘up there’ Do we qualify as equals or an annoying neighbour Those whinging sweaty jocks Let’s beat them like a fox in a kimono Push the button, if that’s what you want It’s only us that will be blown to kingdom come Up here in Scotland without you Up here in Scotland without you Up here in Scotland without you It must be Hell knowing your arrogance will keep you out of here For years and years and years Second thoughts, will that ever happen? Second thoughts, will you ever have them? Second thoughts, get into the sea Second thoughts, for eternity, for eternity, for eternity Up here in Scotland without you Up here in Scotland without you Up here in Scotland without you It must be Hell knowing that your fear will keep you out of here For years and years and years
6.
Haggis Bombs 03:39
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Haggis songs in Caledonia, There’s only one by Rabbie Burns. Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face, Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm. Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace As lang’s my arm, just don’t hit my face with Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns The groaning trencher there ye fill, Your hurdies like a distant hill. Your pin wad help, to mend a mill In time o’ need, While thro’ your pores the dews distil Like amber bead. His knife see rustic An’ cut you up wi’ ready sleight, Haggis bombs shatter the hotels. My Love is Like a Red, red Rose was nipped in the bud. Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns Trenching your gushing entrails bright, Like ony ditch; And then, O what a glorious sight, Warm-reekin, rich! Then, horn for horn, they stretch an’ strive: Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive, Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve, Are bent lyke drums; Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive, “Bethankit!” ‘hums. Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns oh ma sticky hauns, oh ma sticky hauns. Haggis songs in Caledonia: Ye cannae beat it, oh ma sticky hauns. Haggis songs in Auchterader, oh ma sticky hauns, oh ma sticky hauns, oh ma sticky hauns, oh ma sticky hauns.
7.
Children Of The Devolution 02:59
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I’m a containable bam I’m Post Capitalism I drive a Peugeot 206 Cos it’s good for politics You can’t fool the children of the devolution We’re gonna have our sexy socialism revolution Despite The Mail and The Mirror and The Record and The Sun The Times and the Telegraph and The Scotsman You can’t fool the children of the devolution I’m a Containable Bam I’m going on the randan I read Alasdair Gray Cos it’s good for my brain 1745 – the Jacobite Rebellion 1845 – Enlightenment 11 1945 – avoiding Armageddon 2045 – probably World War 7 No more tories No more nukes No more papers No more books Here’s your future Here’s the news No more glass cheques Of Irn Bru Cos school’s out forever
8.
Closer 01:14
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It’s closer than it’s ever been And now it’s even closer And now it’s even closer And now it’s even closer It’s closer than it’s ever been And now it’s even closer And now it’s closer still Time is marching on And time is still marching on It’s likelier than it ever was And now it is more likely And now it is more likely And now it is more likely It’s likelier than it’s ever been And now it is more likely And now it’s likelier Indy Ref 2
9.
Scotching The Stereotypes 03:25
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In the name of the Rangers, Celtic and the holy west coast I swear I saw the image of Rabbie Burns on a piece of burnt toast I put it out on display for all to see In a glass cabinet in my pantry People came from miles around And I only charged them three pond fifty pee Entrance fee If you live in the Highlands, if you live in the South Roll your 'r's , explore those frictives in your mouth It's a beautiful country, it's a lovely state But on Reporting Scotland it's still 1978 Oh, Jackie Bird fly away Heather the weather can stay For the day In Galloway Scotching the stereotypes Haggis, tartan and bagpipes Screaming freedom and bearing your backside If you're born in Fife It's not too late to change your life
10.
A Drunk Man Looks At Throbbing Thistle (part 5) 03:35
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11.
Bannockburning 05:38
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12.
The Declaration Of Arbroath 02:17
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It’s about time we had another national holiday Christmas, Easter and New Year are so passé The 6th of April sounds good to me When Bernard of Kilwinning tried to set us free He wrote an independence oath The Declaration of Arbroath 2020 will be 700 years Since it was signed by Bernie and his peers Sealed by the Abbot in the Abbey In Thirteen Hundred and Twenty Nearly as old as the Sunday Post The Declaration of Arbroath It’s in the form of a letter written in Latin 51 magnates and nobles helped compose the thing Now listen honey, “It is in truth not for glory, nor riches nor honours, but for freedom that we’re fighting for” Robert the Bruce had a hand in this At some point they even said that they would kiss The feet of the pope The Declaration of Arbroath
13.
Scotland Made Me 03:33
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I trapped a clipshear Underneath a glass I kept it for a week to see How long he’d last He stared right back at me He thought that he could win We played the waiting game He thought that I’d give in Scotland made me Scotland made me I had a dream last night That I was drunk I killed a stranger And left him in a trunk In Polmont railway station It was an unsolved case A famous murder mystery People love mystery Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me I need my privacy I lead a secret life Sleep with the enemy Then betray both sides I travelled all my life But never got away From the killing jar And the garden shed Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me

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released February 10, 2021

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