1. |
Wee Country
03:55
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From Newtonmore to Newton Mearns
We’re aw Jock Tamson’s bairns
But it’s no aw glamour. it’s no aw glitz
Jock Tamson’s on benefits
In this wee country
Wee country
Wi a massive, massive heart
Traditional or anti-folk
As long as it disnae gie ye the boak
Just sing out an honest song
And if you want you can sing along
Blue or green, black or white or maroon
Dinnae let the country doon
By acting like a tribe or a clique
That’s what makes us pathetic and weak
Aye, we’re aw Jock Tamson’s bairns
As long as you’re no sectarians
Don’t fall for the auld, auld trick
Of divide and conquer ya stupid wee prick
If your card’s SNP, Tory, Labour or Nectar
I’m combing this land wi ma bullshit detector
Looking for clichés and sniffing out shite
We’re all in this together – aye that’ll be right
I hope, I don’t pray, I think, I don’t wish
I hate all this sentimental pish
It’s no about Braveheart, it’s no about kilts
Or masonic lodges or catholic guilt
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2. |
Jocko Euro
02:34
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S-C-O-T-L-A-N-D
That's how we spell
This wee country
From Jedburgh
To John O Groats
Wake up and smell
The porridge oats
Are we not Scots?
Jocko Homo
Are we Lulu?
Naw we are no
In Cumbernauld
They're Scottish too
It's no their fault
Their toon is new
So's Glenrothes
And East Kilbride
Are we inbred?
Only in Fife
Are we not Scots?
Jocko Homo
Are we Lulu?
Naw we are no
Are we not mince?
Jocko Euro
God made Scots
But unfortunately
That means he made Sean Connery
He walks like an ape
Talks like an ape
Does what a monkey can do
God made Shotts
And Paisley too
We must repeat
Jocko Euro
We must repeat
Jocko Homo
We must repeat
D-E-V-O
We must repeat
O.k. lets go!
Rule Britannia
Marmalade and jam
5 Chinese crackers up your jacksie
Boom boom, bang, boom bang
Hey!
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3. |
If Burns Was Alive Today
02:27
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Here’s a reply to the laddies
For you know men urnae aw baddies
There’s many things that women can do
That men cannae
Like gie birth while wearing false eyelashes
While yer man’s crying like a fanny
Ma mammy could use a sandal as a weapon
And control the hoose as she made soup
Ma daddy couldnae figure oot how to jump through that hoop
He tried and he failed but men are great too
Daddies and grandas – we aw had a few
Who knew the score, who came to the fore
When women needed the hauners
Now imagine if Burns was alive in these corners
If Burns were here in covid times
If Burns was still in oor life
He’d be giving us all of his rhymes
And runnin away fae a wife
He’d hate to be woke
Haw haw – that’d gie him the boke
He’d be in the street wearing a mask
He’d be on twitter
Taking twits to task
He’d ca’ big Boris a bam
He’d be using words like ‘bo’ and ‘fam’
He’d have a TikTok dance that went viral
He’d get cancelled for using the biro
For writin’ doon wurds that upset the burds
But he wouldnae care
He’d double doon and ca’ them fuds
He’d fight wi trolls and call them beasties
He’d have to keep explaining the word ‘breasties’
He’d be on telly on a comedy panel
Hittin’ them wi all his flannel
He’d have a huge following on his YouTube channel
Influencers would scowl at his heels
And his poems would give us all the feels
Facebook would ban him every day
As he tried to get oot what he wanted to say
The internet would be upended
Oh everybody would be offended
They’d scream at his words as he tickled the burds
And laugh as he shoutit, ‘No hell mended’
Burns would have his ain website
Wi a chat room for lassies alone
And the snowflakes would shout and scream no doubt
Like a pompous wee dug wi a bone
But he’d laugh in their face and he’d say,
‘Am no fae this place
I’m fae a time when a rose was a rose.
You aw hate me now and ye caw me a sow
But you’ll need me when ye want ti propose.’
An’ he’s right
Burns had foresight
Men and wimmen have changed since his day
And I’m sure we can see that now
But, aw, to be winched by a man
Rough in the field
Writin’ poems over a plough
So let’s all raise our glasses
To the lads and the lassies
who made Burns’s heart beat so loud
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4. |
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S.C.O.T.L.A.N.D
Massive heart, wee country
Reject the landlord, reject the laird
Celebrate John Logie Baird
And Alexander Graham Bell
I could make a list like Billy Joel
But that would be just too cringey
Cheap and easy and real stingey
So let us scotch those stereotypes
Tartan, shortbread and bagpipes
Walter Scott monumental myths
And concentrate on the politics
We legislate ahead of them all
We got the minimum price of alcohol
Our policies are ahead of the pack
And we’ll be the first to leave the Union Jack
No Smacking
No Fracking
No Union Jacking
Lay down and take it
Or forcibly make it on our own
The lion and the unicorn
Just Westminster soft porn
They want to pour their love on us
They say we’re equal partners
They weren’t listening then, they’re not listening now
How long must we kow tow
We don’t want to smack, we don’t wanna frack
We just want our dignity back
So you go ahead and snub your nose
And strut in your emperor’s new clothes
We’re being dragged into a hole
A laughing stock, a begging bowl
Is what we’re being reduced to
Can we have some more? No thank you
We’ll march until our feet are sore
I cannot take this any more
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5. |
Here In Scotland
02:49
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Here, there are lots of things to do
And panoramic views
Of countryside completely surrounding you
And here there’s plenty Labour tears
You’re never getting back, never, never
Basically, I guess it could be worse
Yes, I do suppose it could be worse
Here, there are many, many sheep
And a lot of folk asleep
But their hearts are in the right places underneath their ribs
And we don’t need Labour
Saying people ‘up there’ – you haven’t learned a thing
Jess Phillips won’t break our little pact
Jess Phillips, don’t bother coming back
Up here in Scotland without you
Up here in Scotland without you
Up here in Scotland without you
It must be Hell knowing your ignorance will keep you out of here
For years and years and years
Meh, do you even really care
What’s happening ‘up there’
Do we qualify as equals or an annoying neighbour
Those whinging sweaty jocks
Let’s beat them like a fox in a kimono
Push the button, if that’s what you want
It’s only us that will be blown to kingdom come
Up here in Scotland without you
Up here in Scotland without you
Up here in Scotland without you
It must be Hell knowing your arrogance will keep you out of here
For years and years and years
Second thoughts, will that ever happen?
Second thoughts, will you ever have them?
Second thoughts, get into the sea
Second thoughts, for eternity, for eternity, for eternity
Up here in Scotland without you
Up here in Scotland without you
Up here in Scotland without you
It must be Hell knowing that your fear will keep you out of here
For years and years and years
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6. |
Haggis Bombs
03:39
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Haggis songs in Caledonia,
There’s only one by Rabbie Burns.
Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the puddin-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm.
Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace
As lang’s my arm, just don’t hit my face with
Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers
Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns
Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers
Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns
The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill.
Your pin wad help,
to mend a mill
In time o’ need, While thro’ your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead. His knife see rustic
An’ cut you up wi’ ready sleight,
Haggis bombs shatter the hotels.
My Love is Like a Red, red Rose was nipped in the bud.
Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers
Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns
Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers
Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like ony ditch; And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!
Then, horn for horn, they stretch an’ strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve,
Are bent lyke drums; Then auld Guidman,
maist like to rive, “Bethankit!” ‘hums.
Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers
Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns
Haggis bombs; you can fling them at Burns suppers
Neeps and tatties, oh ma sticky hauns
oh ma sticky hauns,
oh ma sticky hauns.
Haggis songs in Caledonia:
Ye cannae beat it, oh ma sticky hauns.
Haggis songs in Auchterader, oh ma sticky hauns,
oh ma sticky hauns,
oh ma sticky hauns,
oh ma sticky hauns.
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7. |
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I’m a containable bam
I’m Post Capitalism
I drive a Peugeot 206
Cos it’s good for politics
You can’t fool the children of the devolution
We’re gonna have our sexy socialism revolution
Despite The Mail and The Mirror and The Record and The Sun
The Times and the Telegraph and The Scotsman
You can’t fool the children of the devolution
I’m a Containable Bam
I’m going on the randan
I read Alasdair Gray
Cos it’s good for my brain
1745 – the Jacobite Rebellion
1845 – Enlightenment 11
1945 – avoiding Armageddon
2045 – probably World War 7
No more tories
No more nukes
No more papers
No more books
Here’s your future
Here’s the news
No more glass cheques
Of Irn Bru
Cos school’s out forever
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8. |
Closer
01:14
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It’s closer than it’s ever been
And now it’s even closer
And now it’s even closer
And now it’s even closer
It’s closer than it’s ever been
And now it’s even closer
And now it’s closer still
Time is marching on
And time is still marching on
It’s likelier than it ever was
And now it is more likely
And now it is more likely
And now it is more likely
It’s likelier than it’s ever been
And now it is more likely
And now it’s likelier
Indy Ref 2
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9. |
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In the name of the Rangers, Celtic and the holy west coast
I swear I saw the image of Rabbie Burns on a piece of burnt toast
I put it out on display for all to see
In a glass cabinet in my pantry
People came from miles around
And I only charged them three pond fifty pee
Entrance fee
If you live in the Highlands, if you live in the South
Roll your 'r's , explore those frictives in your mouth
It's a beautiful country, it's a lovely state
But on Reporting Scotland it's still 1978
Oh, Jackie Bird fly away
Heather the weather can stay
For the day
In Galloway
Scotching the stereotypes
Haggis, tartan and bagpipes
Screaming freedom and bearing your backside
If you're born in Fife
It's not too late to change your life
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10. |
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11. |
Bannockburning
05:38
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12. |
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It’s about time we had another national holiday
Christmas, Easter and New Year are so passé
The 6th of April sounds good to me
When Bernard of Kilwinning tried to set us free
He wrote an independence oath
The Declaration of Arbroath
2020 will be 700 years
Since it was signed by Bernie and his peers
Sealed by the Abbot in the Abbey
In Thirteen Hundred and Twenty
Nearly as old as the Sunday Post
The Declaration of Arbroath
It’s in the form of a letter written in Latin
51 magnates and nobles helped compose the thing
Now listen honey,
“It is in truth not for glory, nor riches nor
honours, but for freedom that we’re fighting for”
Robert the Bruce had a hand in this
At some point they even said that they would kiss
The feet of the pope
The Declaration of Arbroath
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13. |
Scotland Made Me
03:33
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I trapped a clipshear
Underneath a glass
I kept it for a week to see
How long he’d last
He stared right back at me
He thought that he could win
We played the waiting game
He thought that I’d give in
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
I had a dream last night
That I was drunk
I killed a stranger
And left him in a trunk
In Polmont railway station
It was an unsolved case
A famous murder mystery
People love mystery
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
I need my privacy
I lead a secret life
Sleep with the enemy
Then betray both sides
I travelled all my life
But never got away
From the killing jar
And the garden shed
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
Scotland made me
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