Now That's What I Call Reckless 20th Anniversary

by Various Artists

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1.
I was in the best of health Thirsting for a beer She exhibited incredible stealth In fact I didn’t see her At first, and then she leapt out of the shadows From behind the crates of Bollinger at Haddows She said Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiya I said Hello She said Eeeeeeee I said O This went on for hours I was enraptured by her powers How could I resist her? My beautiful ninja. Dressed from head to toe in black At first I thought she was from Iraq Flip out Someone said is that Kung Fu? I said, ‘Naw, she’s only had a pint or two.’ My beautiful ninja.
2.
The forces’ favourite, on account of her looks, aquiline and finely honed accoutrements. Carolyn was made for the picket-line, not the Parliament. Her lips were made to kiss megaphones. She does get passionate in the chamber, but always acts as if she reads the NME. She never feels at ease or happy.
3.
Kurt Cobana 02:26
His name was Kurtis Kurtis Cobana He played in a band called Nirvana Then he messed around with guns And that was the death of grunge Kurt Cobana Drugs are free Death and shotguns There's enough for everyone Obain, what's missing is the 'C' Wham Bam thank you Manilow, Michael and Ridgeley He had some great ideas But then between his ears He placed a lot of heavy metal It had to end in tears Poo rold Kurtis Kurtis Cobana Nevermind passion He made suicide fashionable Kurtis- he lost his mind Kurtis Kurtis Cobana
4.
I'm the king of the swingers I'm in the SSP I won 200,000 quid and nothing's bothering me But everyone's against me in my old party But I can't wait for the cases of perjury Oh - ooh be doo I told the truth The whole truth and nothing but the truth You see it's true I'm just like youse Get it right up ye News of the Screws Now, Gail she is a smasher And she likes a laugh When I am finished washing She is hoovering the bath
5.
Forget about your Robert Bruce and all the men he’s beaten. The hero of the Scottish now is a man called big John Smeaton Big John, Big John Big John Smeaton The terrorists they came to strike fear in our land, but a big man stood before them, a suitcase in each hand. The flaming jeep sped onwards, but John was in no doubt - he took a last puff on his fag and stamped the fucker out. He saw the polis getting punched. He saw it as his duty. The mighty man called Smeaton cried, “I’m gonnae set aboot ye.” He took them out in seconds - you should have seen their faces. Big John smiled, his work being done, went back to moving cases In the darkest depths of Kabul they know that they are beaten. And they won’t try it with us again, all thanks to big John Smeaton He's harder than a punk with a mohican He's harder than Batman when he was played by Michael Keaton
6.
Philosophy 03:32
Jean Paul Sartre got it right He said 'Hell is other people' That means you Frank Sinatra in 'Strangers In The Night' Put it another way: Do be do be doo Plato posited ideals Marx and Engels - meals on wheels Socrates was for free will And midfield wizard for Brazil Or was that John Stuart Mill? Philosophy - it isn't tough Come and have a go if you're Kierkegaard enough Descartes thought, therefore he was But he put it all in Latin to make us think He was smarter than he was Good old Descartes, take a drink He was French and he did maths He got verrucas at the baths Just the same as all of us No solutions - what's the fuss? Is it obvious?
7.
John Prescott He has got an eating disorder Order! Order! Order! He ate stuff Then threw up But sometimes Prescott, he forgot When he boaked It was clear The whole House of Commons could hear Hear! Hear! He liked pies He liked cakes Vienetta was his favourite I said, 'John, you should eat some fish It'll make you feel better.' He said, 'Fish means nothing to me. Oh, Vienetta.'
8.
When I was young I looked upon Blue Peter with bright eyes But one day an incident left me traumatised Anthea Turner was presenting an item on keep fit She wore a tight tracksuit I couldn't keep my eyes off it What's that that I see down there? In the gusset area chorus Is that a tampon or a rolled up sock? No - it's Anthea Turner's cock I swear to God that's what I saw A lump I just could not ignore I guess she has an ovary She's married to Grant Bovey Unless she is a beard as well It's really hard these days to tell chorus My eyes, my eyes, my beautiful eyes I'm permanently traumatised
9.
Is this marine life? Is this a manatee? Caught in a net No escape from the deep blue sea From Oban to Skye Look under the Clyde and see Who let the cod out? There'll be no shrimp for tea You walrus hurt the one you love Little Kylie Minnow Jellyfish and squid, oh You don't send me flounders anymore Poor me Salmon and krill and clam Or a prawn cocktail, voila! Like a sturgeon, Nicola. Mackerel, pike and just plankton Are rank - I've gone and thrown them all away Haddock oooo Is better when deep fried Kelp! I've never smelt this way before This scampi love Coi me a river Tuna, the lobster mash Tastes lovely soaked in brine You just ask Rick Stein Fish pie, Forest Guppy, carp and sole Craberet, piranha happy face and chew Salmon oooo (jellyfish and minnow) Halibut and fry Great white Christmas - here's an homage to Jaws I see a little silhouetto of a shark Salmon mousse, salmon mousse We are going to need a bigger boat And oh what a beautiful marlin O sole mio, sole mio, Sole mio, sole mio That's a moray Dory, dory, hallelujah I'm just a porpoise, nobody loves me He's just a porpoise - he's all blubbery Spare him his life, throw him back in the sea Fisherman let me go, will you let me go? Pish swimmer! No, we will not let you go - let him go Pish swimmer! No, we will not let you go - let him go Pish swimmer! No, we will not let you go - let him go Will not let you go - let me go Will not let you go - let me go Roe, roe, roe, roe, roe, roe, roe Have a kipper, have a kipper, have a kipper, have a go Heston Blumenthal has a beluga pie for me, for me, for me So you think you can poach me and scoop out my eye So you think you can roast me and leave me to fry Or maybe gut me, fillet and bake me Just gotta get out, out of the frying pan here Fish puns really matter Anyone can see Fish puns really matter Fins can only get batter by B:Ream Stingray to heaven
10.
11.
Just Say Yes 03:14
12.
If you're the kinda person with hollow legs And you cannae get enough pastry from Greggs Then why oh why oh why Have they banished the macaroni pie? Give us it back Give us it back I wanna lukewarm pasta For my heart attack why oh why oh why Save our macaroni pie The people of Scotland - do you wanna offend em? Is it retribution for the referendum? You can keep your sausage rolls and your steak bake guys You can take our freedom but you'll never take our pies why oh why oh why Save our macaroni pie It might not be a delicacy down south But it delicactely melts in my mouth Gony gony no Take our macaroni no - hey Gony gony no Take our macaroni no -hey why oh why oh why Save our macaroni pie
13.
You've probably never even heard of me Michael White's Moustache But I've been patronising Lesley Riddoch on TV Michael White's Moustache I'm defending ALL the liars, but it's really not fair Michael White's Moustache All you notice is my farcical facial hair Michael White's Moustache Michael White's Moustache It's a right stramash And it's a real car crash Is it on the lash? Michael White's Moustache You probably think this song's about your politics Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache But I can't take my eyes off your upper lip Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache I tried to focus on the words spilling out your face Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache But I cannae take you seriously for fuck sake Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
14.
From the left to the right From the back to the front Everybody sing Trump is a cunt They say it’s just swearing That’s not big or clever I say whatever I’m no Noam Chomski I’m the singer of a song And no matter how you put it You just know that cunt is wrong
15.
I want to marry a Muirfield member And keep him company I want to marry a Muirfield member And be his caddy I’ll polish his wood by the light of day And shout Fore! and maybe wahey! I want to marry a Muirfield member Won’t that be okay? We can go all 18 holes And get caught in the rough We won’t invite more ladies in Just the one’s enough I dream of playing at Muirfield, baby And setting up his tee I dream of playing at Muirfield I love the 19th century So if you want to make my dreams come true You’ll marry a Muirfield member too We could live in Muirfield Practicing misogyny. ahahahay Won’t that be okay? Yatatatata
16.
Desperate for entertainment So I turn the TV on There’s a Tory minister Being telt by Mhairi Black You talk shite, hen You talk a lot of shiteThen I turn the twitter on Someone has an opinion They talk a lot of shite They talk a lot about shite Then I turn the facebook on Someone’s been on holiday and had a lot of fun They talk a lot of shite They talk a lot about shite Then I turn on instagram Someone’s taken a picture of a tram It’s a lot of shite They talk a lot about shite You see them selling carpets You see them in the shops You see them on the kids programmes And they talk a lot of shite There’s a roly-poly, roly-poly man He’s got a yak haircut (dick, dick, dick) They talk a lot of shite You talk shite, hen You talk shite, hen You talk shite, hen
17.
I’m Alex Cole Hamilton I find it so insulting That my pal Davey’s been abused He’s got a beard and glasses The SNP think that is A reason to be really rude If you diss him, I will feel it Diss him, I will feel it Diss him and I will scweam and say Davey, I love you Davey, I love you Davey I love – I love only you I embody psychophancy You’re Sid and I am Nancy It’s really easy to explain My one emotion is smarmy I want to join the smug journalist army I love to hear you call my name Oh tell me that you feel it Tell me that you feel it Tell me that you feel the same chorus Oh Mr Torrance, our saviour You’re like a Scottish Lawrence of Arabia Striding through the political desert with Ruth Atop your fearless camel of truth Dishing out polemical bon mots Hounded like Marilyn Monroe You’re hard hipster jive, Little Mix Like a sexy weetabix Your book on Salmond’s pure James Joyce If prose were a car, If prose were a car, you’d be a Rolls Royce Your analysis of Mr President Should be on gorilla TV
18.
Where do Santa’s reindeer shit? It must be in the sky Imagine walking under it and being hit in the eye You’d think the streets on Christmas day would be quite a stink That’s why you’ll always find him on the roof with a shovel You’d think by now those droppings could have fertilised the earth Or raised a great big forest or even just some turf Growing on a pitch, making all our soil rich That’s why you’ll always find him on the roof with a shovel You will always find him on the roof with a shovel You will always find him on the roof with a shovel Maybe there are people out there paid to catch the crap As it drops down from the sleigh and catch it in a sack But I’ve never seen them doing that. Santa’s on his own That’s why you’ll always find him on the roof with a shovel You will always find him on the roof with a shovel Then I heard the reindeers just keep it all in, under control And just have a huge dump when they all get back to the North Pole So now I no longer worry about Rudolph’s bowels If there’s an accident I’m sure Santa’s got towels He’s done his time on the roof with a shovel He’s done his time on the roof with a shovel He’s done his time on the roof with a shovel He’s done his time on the roof with a shovel
19.
Hi, my name is Mark Francois, (you're hard, you're hard) Behold my genitalia (my genitalia) My name sounds like it is French (Francois, Francois) But it's not, I am hench A sweaty bulldog in a suit Half man, half beetroot I am smug and in rude wealth, I like staring at Will Self I am in the ERG, And I was in the army (at weekends) Now I fight for the Brexit cause, And tell Phil Hammond 'Up yours!' I've got Jacob Rees Mogg's back, We should've been on Crackerjack (Crackerjack!) Some say I look like Peter Glaze (Crackerjack!) Try telling that to the kids these days I like driving people mad I think I'm hard, but I'm just sad Hi, my name is Mark Francois Yuk yuk yuk fnaar fnaar I'm as hard as nails I am Hard as nails I am I am
20.
The 31st of October That's when it will be all over, yes it will That'll be the day the UK dies I am Boris Johnson's son Never heard nothin' but bad things about him Mother I'm depending on you to tell me the truth Mother just hung her head and said, son Boris is a lying cunt And so's his running partner Jeremy Hunt But when he lies, it's just a publicity stunt Boris is a lying cunt And so's his running partner Jeremy Hunt But when he lies, the press say it's a bit of fun Hey Mother! Is it true what they say that Boris never worked a day in his life And Mother, some bad talk goin' round town sayin' that Boris had three outside children And another wife, and that ain't right Heard some talk Boris doing some storefront preachin' Talking about saving souls and all the time leechin' Dealing in dirt, and stealing in the name of the Lords Mother just hung her head and said Boris is a lying cunt And so's his running partner Jeremy Hunt But when he lies, it's just a publicity stunt Boris is a lying cunt And so's his running partner Jeremy Hunt But when he lies, the press say it's a bit of fun Hey Mother I heard Boris called blacks piccaninnies Said they had watermelon smiles and then he Said homosexuals were bumboys And Muslim women pillar boxes Folks say Boris never was much on thinking Spent most of his time chasing women and drinking Mother I'm depending on you to tell me the truth Mother looked up with a tear in her eye and said, son

about

For 20 years, the Daily Reckless has continued to relentlessly pump out satirical sideswipes, many with a Caledonian bent, starting with topical parodies and gradually evolving into the paper that sings the news. From a pool of around 1000 songs, here we present twenty of the most popular/notorious.

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released March 6, 2020

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