1. |
My Beautiful Ninja
03:17
|
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I was in the best of health
Thirsting for a beer
She exhibited incredible stealth
In fact I didn’t see her
At first, and then she leapt out of the shadows
From behind the crates of Bollinger at Haddows
She said Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiya
I said Hello
She said Eeeeeeee
I said O
This went on for hours
I was enraptured by her powers
How could I resist her?
My beautiful ninja.
Dressed from head to toe in black
At first I thought she was from Iraq
Flip out
Someone said is that Kung Fu?
I said, ‘Naw, she’s only had a pint or two.’
My beautiful ninja.
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2. |
||||
The forces’ favourite,
on account of her looks, aquiline
and finely honed accoutrements.
Carolyn was made for the picket-line,
not the Parliament.
Her lips were made to kiss megaphones.
She does get passionate
in the chamber, but always acts as if
she reads the NME.
She never feels at ease or happy.
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3. |
Kurt Cobana
02:26
|
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His name was Kurtis
Kurtis Cobana
He played in a band called Nirvana
Then he messed around with guns
And that was the death of grunge
Kurt Cobana
Drugs are free
Death and shotguns
There's enough for everyone
Obain, what's missing is the 'C'
Wham Bam thank you
Manilow, Michael and Ridgeley
He had some great ideas
But then between his ears
He placed a lot of heavy metal
It had to end in tears
Poo rold Kurtis
Kurtis Cobana
Nevermind passion
He made suicide fashionable
Kurtis- he lost his mind
Kurtis
Kurtis Cobana
|
||||
4. |
King of the Swingers
01:23
|
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I'm the king of the swingers
I'm in the SSP
I won 200,000 quid and nothing's bothering me
But everyone's against me
in my old party
But I can't wait for the cases of perjury
Oh - ooh be doo
I told the truth
The whole truth and nothing but the truth
You see it's true
I'm just like youse
Get it right up ye News of the Screws
Now, Gail she is a smasher
And she likes a laugh
When I am finished washing
She is hoovering the bath
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5. |
Big John Smeaton
03:33
|
|||
Forget about your Robert Bruce
and all the men he’s beaten.
The hero of the Scottish now
is a man called big John Smeaton
Big John, Big John
Big John Smeaton
The terrorists they came
to strike fear in our land,
but a big man stood before them,
a suitcase in each hand.
The flaming jeep sped onwards,
but John was in no doubt -
he took a last puff on his fag
and stamped the fucker out.
He saw the polis getting punched.
He saw it as his duty.
The mighty man called Smeaton cried,
“I’m gonnae set aboot ye.”
He took them out in seconds -
you should have seen their faces.
Big John smiled, his work being done,
went back to moving cases
In the darkest depths of Kabul
they know that they are beaten.
And they won’t try it with us again,
all thanks to big John Smeaton
He's harder than a punk with a mohican
He's harder than Batman when he was played by Michael Keaton
|
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6. |
Philosophy
03:32
|
|||
Jean Paul Sartre got it right
He said 'Hell is other people'
That means you
Frank Sinatra in 'Strangers In The Night'
Put it another way:
Do be do be doo
Plato posited ideals
Marx and Engels - meals on wheels
Socrates was for free will
And midfield wizard for Brazil
Or was that John Stuart Mill?
Philosophy - it isn't tough
Come and have a go if you're Kierkegaard enough
Descartes thought, therefore he was
But he put it all in Latin to make us think
He was smarter than he was
Good old Descartes, take a drink
He was French and he did maths
He got verrucas at the baths
Just the same as all of us
No solutions - what's the fuss?
Is it obvious?
|
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7. |
John Prescott
01:18
|
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John Prescott
He has got an eating disorder
Order! Order! Order!
He ate stuff
Then threw up
But sometimes Prescott, he forgot
When he boaked
It was clear
The whole House of Commons could hear
Hear! Hear!
He liked pies
He liked cakes
Vienetta was his favourite
I said, 'John, you should eat some fish
It'll make you feel better.'
He said, 'Fish means nothing to me.
Oh, Vienetta.'
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8. |
Anthea Turner's Cock
02:03
|
|||
When I was young
I looked upon Blue Peter with bright eyes
But one day an incident left me traumatised
Anthea Turner was presenting an item on keep fit
She wore a tight tracksuit
I couldn't keep my eyes off it
What's that that I see down there?
In the gusset area
chorus
Is that a tampon or a rolled up sock?
No - it's Anthea Turner's cock
I swear to God that's what I saw
A lump I just could not ignore
I guess she has an ovary
She's married to Grant Bovey
Unless she is a beard as well
It's really hard these days to tell
chorus
My eyes, my eyes, my beautiful eyes
I'm permanently traumatised
|
||||
9. |
Bohemian Anchovy
05:35
|
|||
Is this marine life?
Is this a manatee?
Caught in a net
No escape from the deep blue sea
From Oban to Skye
Look under the Clyde and see
Who let the cod out?
There'll be no shrimp for tea
You walrus hurt the one you love
Little Kylie Minnow
Jellyfish and squid, oh
You don't send me flounders anymore
Poor me
Salmon and krill and clam
Or a prawn cocktail, voila!
Like a sturgeon, Nicola.
Mackerel, pike and just plankton
Are rank - I've gone and thrown them all away
Haddock oooo
Is better when deep fried
Kelp! I've never smelt this way before
This scampi love
Coi me a river
Tuna, the lobster mash
Tastes lovely soaked in brine
You just ask Rick Stein
Fish pie, Forest Guppy, carp and sole
Craberet, piranha happy face and chew
Salmon oooo (jellyfish and minnow)
Halibut and fry
Great white Christmas - here's an homage to Jaws
I see a little silhouetto of a shark
Salmon mousse, salmon mousse
We are going to need a bigger boat
And oh what a beautiful marlin
O sole mio, sole mio,
Sole mio, sole mio
That's a moray
Dory, dory, hallelujah
I'm just a porpoise, nobody loves me
He's just a porpoise - he's all blubbery
Spare him his life, throw him back in the sea
Fisherman let me go, will you let me go?
Pish swimmer! No, we will not let you go - let him go
Pish swimmer! No, we will not let you go - let him go
Pish swimmer! No, we will not let you go - let him go
Will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go - let me go
Roe, roe, roe, roe, roe, roe, roe
Have a kipper, have a kipper, have a kipper, have a go
Heston Blumenthal has a beluga pie for me, for me, for me
So you think you can poach me and scoop out my eye
So you think you can roast me and leave me to fry
Or maybe gut me, fillet and bake me
Just gotta get out, out of the frying pan here
Fish puns really matter
Anyone can see
Fish puns really matter
Fins can only get batter by B:Ream
Stingray to heaven
|
||||
10. |
Hurricane Bawbag
02:42
|
|||
11. |
Just Say Yes
03:14
|
|||
12. |
Save Our Macaroni Pie
03:18
|
|||
If you're the kinda person with hollow legs
And you cannae get enough pastry from Greggs
Then why oh why oh why
Have they banished the macaroni pie?
Give us it back
Give us it back
I wanna lukewarm pasta
For my heart attack
why oh why oh why
Save our macaroni pie
The people of Scotland - do you wanna offend em?
Is it retribution for the referendum?
You can keep your sausage rolls and your steak bake guys
You can take our freedom but you'll never take our pies
why oh why oh why
Save our macaroni pie
It might not be a delicacy down south
But it delicactely melts in my mouth
Gony gony no
Take our macaroni no - hey
Gony gony no
Take our macaroni no -hey
why oh why oh why
Save our macaroni pie
|
||||
13. |
||||
You've probably never even heard of me
Michael White's Moustache
But I've been patronising Lesley Riddoch on TV
Michael White's Moustache
I'm defending ALL the liars, but it's really not fair
Michael White's Moustache
All you notice is my farcical facial hair
Michael White's Moustache
Michael White's Moustache
It's a right stramash
And it's a real car crash
Is it on the lash?
Michael White's Moustache
You probably think this song's about your politics
Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
But I can't take my eyes off your upper lip
Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
I tried to focus on the words spilling out your face
Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
But I cannae take you seriously for fuck sake
Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
|
||||
14. |
Trump Is A Cunt
01:18
|
|||
From the left to the right
From the back to the front
Everybody sing
Trump is a cunt
They say it’s just swearing
That’s not big or clever
I say whatever
I’m no Noam Chomski
I’m the singer of a song
And no matter how you put it
You just know that cunt is wrong
|
||||
15. |
||||
I want to marry a Muirfield member
And keep him company
I want to marry a Muirfield member
And be his caddy
I’ll polish his wood by the light of day
And shout Fore! and maybe wahey!
I want to marry a Muirfield member
Won’t that be okay?
We can go all 18 holes
And get caught in the rough
We won’t invite more ladies in
Just the one’s enough
I dream of playing at Muirfield, baby
And setting up his tee
I dream of playing at Muirfield
I love the 19th century
So if you want to make my dreams come true
You’ll marry a Muirfield member too
We could live in Muirfield
Practicing misogyny.
ahahahay
Won’t that be okay?
Yatatatata
|
||||
16. |
You Talk Shite, Hen
01:33
|
|||
Desperate for entertainment
So I turn the TV on
There’s a Tory minister
Being telt by Mhairi Black
You talk shite, hen
You talk a lot of shiteThen I turn the twitter on
Someone has an opinion
They talk a lot of shite
They talk a lot about shite
Then I turn the facebook on
Someone’s been on holiday and had a lot of fun
They talk a lot of shite
They talk a lot about shite
Then I turn on instagram
Someone’s taken a picture of a tram
It’s a lot of shite
They talk a lot about shite
You see them selling carpets
You see them in the shops
You see them on the kids programmes
And they talk a lot of shite
There’s a roly-poly, roly-poly man
He’s got a yak haircut (dick, dick, dick)
They talk a lot of shite
You talk shite, hen
You talk shite, hen
You talk shite, hen
|
||||
17. |
Davey I Love You
03:35
|
|||
I’m Alex Cole Hamilton
I find it so insulting
That my pal Davey’s been abused
He’s got a beard and glasses
The SNP think that is
A reason to be really rude
If you diss him, I will feel it
Diss him, I will feel it
Diss him and I will scweam and say
Davey, I love you
Davey, I love you
Davey I love – I love only you
I embody psychophancy
You’re Sid and I am Nancy
It’s really easy to explain
My one emotion is smarmy
I want to join the smug journalist army
I love to hear you call my name
Oh tell me that you feel it
Tell me that you feel it
Tell me that you feel the same
chorus
Oh Mr Torrance, our saviour
You’re like a Scottish Lawrence of Arabia
Striding through the political desert with Ruth
Atop your fearless camel of truth
Dishing out polemical bon mots
Hounded like Marilyn Monroe
You’re hard hipster jive, Little Mix
Like a sexy weetabix
Your book on Salmond’s pure James Joyce
If prose were a car,
If prose were a car,
you’d be a Rolls Royce
Your analysis of Mr President
Should be on gorilla TV
|
||||
18. |
||||
Where do Santa’s reindeer shit? It must be in the sky
Imagine walking under it and being hit in the eye
You’d think the streets on Christmas day would be quite a stink
That’s why you’ll always find him on the roof with a shovel
You’d think by now those droppings could have fertilised the earth
Or raised a great big forest or even just some turf
Growing on a pitch, making all our soil rich
That’s why you’ll always find him on the roof with a shovel
You will always find him on the roof with a shovel
You will always find him on the roof with a shovel
Maybe there are people out there paid to catch the crap
As it drops down from the sleigh and catch it in a sack
But I’ve never seen them doing that. Santa’s on his own
That’s why you’ll always find him on the roof with a shovel
You will always find him on the roof with a shovel
Then I heard the reindeers just keep it all in, under control
And just have a huge dump when they all get back to the North Pole
So now I no longer worry about Rudolph’s bowels
If there’s an accident I’m sure Santa’s got towels
He’s done his time on the roof with a shovel
He’s done his time on the roof with a shovel
He’s done his time on the roof with a shovel
He’s done his time on the roof with a shovel
|
||||
19. |
Mark Francois
01:45
|
|||
Hi, my name is Mark Francois, (you're hard, you're hard)
Behold my genitalia (my genitalia)
My name sounds like it is French (Francois, Francois)
But it's not, I am hench
A sweaty bulldog in a suit
Half man, half beetroot
I am smug and in rude wealth,
I like staring at Will Self
I am in the ERG,
And I was in the army (at weekends)
Now I fight for the Brexit cause,
And tell Phil Hammond 'Up yours!'
I've got Jacob Rees Mogg's back,
We should've been on Crackerjack (Crackerjack!)
Some say I look like Peter Glaze (Crackerjack!)
Try telling that to the kids these days
I like driving people mad
I think I'm hard, but I'm just sad
Hi, my name is Mark Francois
Yuk yuk yuk fnaar fnaar
I'm as hard as nails I am
Hard as nails I am I am
|
||||
20. |
Boris Is A Lying Cunt
03:18
|
|||
The 31st of October
That's when it will be all over, yes it will
That'll be the day the UK dies
I am Boris Johnson's son
Never heard nothin' but bad things about him
Mother I'm depending on you to tell me the truth
Mother just hung her head and said, son
Boris is a lying cunt
And so's his running partner Jeremy Hunt
But when he lies, it's just a publicity stunt
Boris is a lying cunt
And so's his running partner Jeremy Hunt
But when he lies, the press say it's a bit of fun
Hey Mother!
Is it true what they say that Boris never worked a day in his life
And Mother, some bad talk goin' round town sayin' that
Boris had three outside children
And another wife, and that ain't right
Heard some talk Boris doing some storefront preachin'
Talking about saving souls and all the time leechin'
Dealing in dirt, and stealing in the name of the Lords
Mother just hung her head and said
Boris is a lying cunt
And so's his running partner Jeremy Hunt
But when he lies, it's just a publicity stunt
Boris is a lying cunt
And so's his running partner Jeremy Hunt
But when he lies, the press say it's a bit of fun
Hey Mother
I heard Boris called blacks piccaninnies
Said they had watermelon smiles and then he
Said homosexuals were bumboys
And Muslim women pillar boxes
Folks say Boris never was much on thinking
Spent most of his time chasing women and drinking
Mother I'm depending on you to tell me the truth
Mother looked up with a tear in her eye and said, son
|
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