1. |
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(Another Public Service Announcement by the UK Government)
Fight germs in the airport lounge
Fight germs on foreign beaches
Fight your fears, sweat, blood and tears
Recycle Churchill speeches
Keep Mammon alive 9 to 5
Commute for the greater glory
Dulce et decorum est
Pro Pret a Manger mori
Eat out to spread it about
Drop Jager Bombs on the virus
U-turn, reverse your ferret
Twerk from home with Miley Cyrus
Heed the rule of six feet under
Comply with the Da Vinci Code
Hands, face, space, drink, feck, arse
Follow the yellow brick road
Save Christmas, never surrender
Don't let the bells end, don't give in
Get roaring drunk by 10pm
Let your hair down with discipline
Stiffen sinews, do your duty
England expects you to behave
Lock all empty stable doors
Wear smiley masks at a rave
Book a Covid test in Narnia
Isolate together without fail
Download Aladdin's magic app
Track and trace the Holy Grail
Load up with silver bullets
Aim high, shoot grouse on the moon
Button up your overcoat
Whistle a happy tune
Don't look back in anger
Don't take your love to town
Hold a chicken in the air
Do the disco duck, get down
Help yourself, be viable
Find a new job, do the right thing
Cross your fingers, clutch at straws
Hibernate, wake up next spring
Elvis McGonagall, Oct. 2020
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2. |
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It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to
Die if I want to, die if I want to
We’ll do the conga cos we haven’t a clue
Nobody knows where the English have gone
They all seemed to just lose their mind
Evoking the Blitz spirit
And making a conga line
It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to
Die if I want to, die if I want to
We’ll do the conga cos we haven’t a clue
Remember the war and killing nazis?
The whole of Europe took part
As well as the rest of the world
Satan, fetch me that handcart
It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to
Die if I want to, die if I want to
We’ll do the conga cos we haven’t a clue
We’ll meet again on the other side
With our gumption, our spirit, our vim
Donald and Boris can sook disinfectant
But we will not give in
It’s my party, and I’ll die if I want to
Die if I want to, die if I want to
We’ll do the conga cos we haven’t a clue
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3. |
Fucking Press Ups?
01:11
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Press ups? Get down on your knees
Ya pair of dungarees
Fucking press ups? Get a grip ya twats
Get some yoga mats
Ya downward facing dogs
It's the terror of knowing these cunts are in charge
Everybody's screaming
"Let me out!"
A macho contest for pariahs
Butcher's dog?
Get Jacob Rees Mogg
Fucking press ups
Press ups
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4. |
Ain't No Boat
01:32
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He says "It's not you - it's me
I need a little time, a little space
a plane to fly myself away
you know?"
Oh yes, I know a liar when I hear one
He smiles but his heart's already out there
Flying through the air
He says
"I love my country above all else
I really do", He's lying
"There isn't anything else
and that's true", He's lying
"Let's forget Robert Jenrick
and fly away"
Oh, what a bellend
Ain't no boat, it's a plane you see
With a new paint job - 900G
I just got bored with all this plague
Now I'm going back to being vague
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5. |
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Out there in the fields, fighting for pub meals
We're going back into normal
I don't give a shite, I know I'm right
Djokovic and me will be forgiven, yeah, yeah, yeah
Don't cry, don't dry your eyes
We're heading for the Wetherspoons wasteland
Whitty, take my hand, and Patrick Vallance
Peter Pandemic is here to make you bolder
Happy days are here, cricket and warm beer
Let's get together, we won't be getting much older
Wetherspoons wasteland, we wanna Wetherspoons wasteland
Wetherspoons wasteland, oh, yeah
Wetherspoons wasteland
We're all wasted!
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6. |
Modern Major Orator
03:02
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I am the very model of a modern major orator
I wiffle and I waffle - a great stammerer and stutterer
I know the queen of England, and I quote Latin historical
My verbal diarrhoea isn't what you'd call rhetorical
I'm well acquainted with absurdist neo-feudal theatre
Happening inside the House of Commons in Westminster
We're still coming down from the adrenalin rush
of losing our empire and status
We do not like to look ahead, we're truly blue and never red
We pretend to follow the science instead
When we're forced to on the news
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the high potty potty news
My real name is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel
I am a master of the bluster and of the kerfuffle
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern major orator
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern major gin earl
I know our mythic history, I've studied Winston Churchill
His gravitas escapes me though, I'm more like Julie Burchill
I clumsily annoy by spaffing up a wall
I'll hold aloft a fish or biscuits - anything at all
I'll sniff out the commoners. That is my upbringing,
I'll flip flop onto the side that's winning
I'll sneak out of the back door
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinner Pinafore
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major orator
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major Gin Earl
You'll say a better Major Gin Earl has never satired ye
You'll say a better Major Gin Earl has never satired ye
You'll say a better Major Gin Earl has never said or satired ye
My military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Is waving flags upon zip wires in the 21st century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major orator
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major Gin Earl
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7. |
Boris On Tour
01:10
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Oh, he's used to hiding in fridges
Now he'll have to hide from the midges
It's Boris, ya hoor, on a farewell tour of Scotland
Last time he left by the back door
This time he'll need to get on all fours
Everyone will boo more, Baw jaws on tour of Scotland
Let's all march on London
Stuff your S30 pish
We're gonna have another referendum
We don't need your permish on
Oh we don't have a barrel of money
Cos he gave it all to Mogg and Gove and Cummings
It's Boris, ya hoor, on a farewell tour of Scotland
Fuck the poor cries Boris on tour of Scotland
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8. |
How To Speak English
02:08
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9. |
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There's no such thing
As a border between England and Scotland
Well, what's that thing
Called the Scottish Borders?
Aggravated, the blonde spare prick
Won't admit he's blind and thick
Jump up bubble up, what's in store
The Covid ward revolving door
Showing up, showing up ignorance
Boris tell me where Kelso is
What's that sign at the side of the road
Saying Welcome to Scotland - oh
Oh oh catch the bus
Selkirk, Hawick I'm thinking of
Oh oh can't you see
David Mundell's constituency
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Boris
Where is
Where's the border?
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10. |
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Slip inside the flap of your tent
Oh Toto we're not in Kent
Anymore
This looks like the Highlands to me
Or it could be Elie
I don't really know
If they start a revolution when I'm gone
I'll just stay under this tarpaulin
Step outside, summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the farmer's gate
He said get yer arse oot, mate
You don't want to come back here to Scotland
And so Carrie can wait
She knows it's too late
As we're camping in Fife
And all the locals say
Don't come back you wanker
Stay away
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11. |
Rogue State
00:34
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Rogue, rogue, rogue state
That's what we're heading for
We are breaking international law
Rogue, rogue, rogue state
That's what you voted for
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Merrily fuck you all
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12. |
These People
00:45
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Boris Johnson: “These people!”
Kirsten Oswald :“The new daily allowance for the unelected and unaccountable peers being stuffed into the House of Lords by the Prime Minister is set to rise to £323. The monthly allowance for a single person over 25 on universal credit is £317.82. Is that the levelling up the Prime Minister keeps talking about?”
Boris Johnson:”Actually, I hate agreeing with these people. Actually, I do find that it is odd that the House of Lords has chosen to do that but it is a decision for them.”
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13. |
Tiers Of A Clown
01:27
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There's always a smile on my face
God, it's so easy to fool the public
And when it comes down to cyberspace
Now honey, that's quite a different subject
So just let this old ad campaign
Worm its way inside your brain
It's sad (Sad, sad, sad, sad)
Oh, I'll be glad
When I'm gone and you're hurtin' so bad
Like a clown I pretend to be glad (Sad, sad, sad, sad)
Now there’s some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
The tiers of a clown,
When you need to lockdown
Oh yeah, baby
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14. |
Think Of A Number
00:56
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Think of a number
Double it, bubble it
Cash in, eat out
Where there's a till there's a way
Self-isolate, immolate
Cummings is a decent bloke
Apologies, I misspoke
words by Glenda Young, Writer @flaming_nora
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