1. |
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I wanted to be old when I was younger
I kept looking back when I got older
When’s the perfect time to exist?
This is your 19th mid-life crisis
Fuck this for a game of soldiers
Look left, look right
Or don’t cross the road
Fuck this for a game of soldiers
Or stay in the middle
With the highway code
Fuck this for a game of soldiers
Fuck this for a game of soldiers
I already told yers
Fuck this for a game of soldiers
You can keep looking forward or looking over your shoulder
You can sometimes get too hot but you’ll always get colder
Do what you want or do what you’re told
Be free, before, be five, be bold
The longer it goes on the more you see
You’re settling eventually
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2. |
Fuck The Purists
01:37
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I’ve seen them on the twitter
And the music press
Reverential fans, they’re so precious
Their brains are locked away
In the 1970s
With their sacred texts
And sainted legacy
I got no emotions for anybody else
You better understand
I’m in love with myself, myself
My beautiful self
Irk the purists, part time tourists, fuck the purists
And fuck the punk taliban
We meant it maaaaaan
Stick to the facts
Stick to the truth
You don’t know the facts
You haven’t got a clue
Look back bores
You got nothing to say
About how we felt
Get out of the way
You hate when anybody
Takes the piss out of you
What happened to year zero
No more heroes eh?
Okay
Get out of way
Irk the purists, part time tourists, fuck the purists
And fuck the punk taliban
We meant it maaaaaan
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3. |
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You middle class boys
You middle class girls
Relations of the owners with your middle class prose
You’re not sophisticated, erudite or unique
You write like you’ve been taught to sneer
Inside a cosy clique
Fuck the mainstream
Fuck the mainstream
Fuck the mainstream media
Your finger’s on the pulse of a decaying corpse
You’re flogging a dead ideology horse
You think you’re cutting edge
But you couldn’t cut your teeth on razorblades
I wouldn’t wipe my arse on your broadsheet
You wanna middle eight but you’re never gonna get it
You wanna middle eight but you’re never gonna get it
You wanna middle age but you’re never gonna get it
You wanna middle eight but you’re never gonna get it
You puke your sneering rhetoric and sixth form psychobabble
Across the Sunday Supplements to educate the rabble
Everyone’s beneath you except your uni mates
Wake up and smell the petrol bombs you fucking waste of space
The Scotsman, The Herald, The Guardian, The Times
You should get out more, get a fucking life
Rolling in your faeces, rehashing classroom theses
Sharpening your clichés
Lazy, lazy leeches
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4. |
Fuck Off Scotland
03:10
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Fuck off Scotland, off you fuck
Off you fuck
You whinging Jocks
We’ve had enough
of your socialist paradise
Engerlund is twice as nice
So fuck off Scotland
Off you fuck
Fuck off Scotland, off you fuck
Off you fuck
Your Mickey Mouse court was the last straw
The last straw
With our love light shining
You just kept on whining
So fuck off Scotland, off you fuck
Oh remember when we said, ‘Scotland we love you’
We’re better together
Well now we don’t like the things that you do
So fuck off Scotland, off you fuck
And take your Jimmy Shand records with you
Good luck
And your blessed Stornoway black pudding
Washed down with bagpipe effluent
So fuck off Scotland, off you fuck
Have you forgotten how dependent you are on our generosity
How we’ve selflessly funded you uncomplainingly
So fuck off Scotland, off you fuck
Off you fuck
If we want to ruin our country
Then we will, so tough
It’s none of your business
How we fuck ourselves, so kiss this
And fuck off Scotland, off you fuck
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5. |
Fuck The Jubilee
00:59
|
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|
In 1977
I was seventeen
Another Jubilee
We sang God Save The Queen
Now it’s 2022
We’re still ruled by the same old crew
Now with added sweaty nonce too
Fuck the jubilee
Feed the poor
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6. |
Fuck RyanAir
01:50
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Fuck RyanAir
Let the wind rush through my hair
As I caress your landing gear
There’s no room for Boeing round here
Fuck RyanAir
You’re cheap but I don’t care
I wrap my arms around your wings
And do various things to you
I’ll grab a hold of your fins
And make your fuselage sing sing sing sing
Fuck RyanAir
Fuck RyanAir
You’re cheap and I don’t care
Fuck RyanAir
Fuck RyanAir
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Fuck RyanAir
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7. |
Fuck A Dead Pig
01:08
|
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Fuck a dead pig like the leader of the country
Fuck a dead pig in the fucking mouth
Ride a white swan if you get the Queen’s permission
And in the morning you can shag a grouse
Wear a tall hat when you’re entering your Percy
Wear a tall hat and a tattooed dong
You can fuck the poor and make them cry for mercy
While you cry god for Piers Gaveston
Straight outta Bullingdon
yuk yukka yuk
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8. |
Fuck Christmas
00:57
|
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|
Fuck Christmas and fuck Santa Clause
I’m working my ass off and now the virus
Has me and my hubby too
Give me a fucking break and fuck the children too
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9. |
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I was walking down Princes Street one day
When I looked up I saw the rain
Fuck me – I should’ve stayed in Shoreditch*
I’m at the Edinburgh Festival
Trying to avoid the horrible people
Saying check your privilege
You don’t get Tennents in Knightsbridge
Fuck me – I should’ve stayed in Shoreditch
Fuck me – or maybe Highbury?
Farquhar loves the juggling mimes
Rupert roughs it with £50 wine
It’s Covent Garden all over again
With 5000 more comedians
Fuck me – I should’ve stayed in Shoreditch
Fuck me – or maybe Crouch End?
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10. |
Fucking Dancing Horses
00:51
|
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|
Olympics time
Time to shine
Fucking dancing horses, what is that all about?
If I hear the word dressage again I’ll hurl
First off it is boring
Who the hell is scoring these jiggly mares?
The horse does all the work
But the rider gets the medal
Who fucking cares?
|
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11. |
Fucking Press Ups?
01:11
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|
Press ups? Get down on your knees
Ya pair of dungarees
Fucking press ups? Get a grip ya twats
Get some yoga mats
Ya downward facing dogs
It’s the terror of knowing these cunts are in charge
Everybody’s screaming
“Let me out!”
A macho contest for pariahs
Butcher’s dog?
Get Jacob Rees Mogg
Fucking press ups
Press ups
|
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12. |
Fuck This Shit
01:24
|
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|
Hi, this is Barry White
Crumb crisp coating
Fuck this shit, man
This is a lot of shit, you know that?
|
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13. |
Fuck The Zeitgeist
01:25
|
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