1. |
Kyrian Mbappe
01:18
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Having a laugh at a missed penalty
Kyrian Mbappe, Kyrian Mbappe
Watching the ball soar to Mercury
Kyrian Mbappe, Kyrian Mbappe
Over the bar by a country mile
Kyrian Mbappe, Kyrian Mbappe
They are all coming home
They are all coming home
But football is no
Fly away, far away, fly away
In the sky
Fly away, far away, fly away
In the sky
Escaped from view
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2. |
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Messi tugging at the inside of his thigh
The commentator said it and I really don’t know why
He was speculating he might have an injury
Messi tugging at the inside of his thigh
The television cameras – they werenae shy
Extreme close up. Oh my
But it never stopped him playing and creating wizadry
Messi tugging at the inside of his thigh
He had the Britnats shaking cos they heard that if he won
FIFA and the UN would give him anything he wants
And when he said the Falklands they all began to cry
Messi tugging at the inside of his thigh
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3. |
Ukraine
02:34
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There’s no place I’d rather be
Outside of society
You take my breath away
Especially Kyiv, eh?
Are you Euro’s heroes/zeros?
Who knows?
Ukraine
What drives the people insane
Is saying The Ukraine
There’s no definite article
And definitely no nuclear arsenal
And on the football stage
You’re all the rage
Ukraine
Yevhen Makarenko
Oleksandr Zinchenko
Taras Stepanenko
Andriy Yarmolenko
Mykola Matviyenko
Mykola Shaparenko
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4. |
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Hibernian dreaming and Heart ache
In Embra derby stakes
With commentary from Pat Nevin
Do we need Pat Nevin?
I don’t really think so
Standards of refereeing
They’re falling weekly
Easter Road or Tynie
Governed obliquely
From Gorgie to Pilton
In Muirhouse and Saughton
The cabbage are wary
The jambos more garish
Stenhouse infection
But what goes on
What to do there
Better pray there
Open plan football
Bung a long lob style
All of its comforts
Seem so essential
I had some match programmes
From the 1960s
But I can’t remember
What happened to them now
My dad and my uncle
Both played their Hearts out
Inflatable ball
Made of hard leather
Disposable programmes
I threw you away now
Oh now I remember
They had a picture
Of the Scott monument
On the front cover
Against Blue Brazil
I watched you trash them
You drew in Kirkcaldy
But you beat East Fife
Oh those heartaches
Home and away heartaches
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5. |
David Marshall
01:30
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Just when we thought we’d won the match
Serbia scored in the last gasp
Extra time was agony
And then it went to penalties
Wish I could be David Marshall
The pubs were shut
But I had beers
Right up to Ryan Christie’s tears
Now we’re off to the Euros
Thanks to these fucking heroes
Wish I could be David Marshall
Wish I could be David Marshall
Save penalties like Dave Marshall
Wish I could be David Marshall
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6. |
Skelped
00:55
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When you get to the Euros and get knocked out in the final
It’s a long way back to the urinal
When you realise that football isn’t coming home
No no no
Do you, don’t you want us to love you
You’re coming down fast but we went before you
Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on tell me the answer
Maybe you forgot your laser pens, ya chancer
Skelped I tell yer, skelped by Italia
Skelped I tell yer
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7. |
Rio
00:45
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His name is Rio – Rio Ferdinand
He’s never been this confident about England
He can’t wait to get off here
And ring the victory bells
England are gonna win
I can’t see anything else
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8. |
Just Take The Knee
01:53
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Well there’s so many Scottish Euro tunes
By people who’ve never listened to Marquee Moon
It’s such a drag
But I’m not here to slag off the people doing that, eh?
I’m here to slag off the SFA
Taking a stand
Sitting on their hands
The televised games will be crazy
But please don’t make us feel sick
If we just stand up we’ll just stand out like dicks
Don’t be a prick
Take the knee now
Just take the knee
Don’t be cowardly
FFS SFA
Fuck the racists OK?
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9. |
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I am not throwin’ away my shit
I am not throwin’ away my shit
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwin’ away my shit
I hadn’t pressed the button
I went away for a jobby at half time
Excuse my general language
I’ve no pressed the wee button when I’ve come back
So apologies to anybody who have not heard me this second half
Are you speaking in the vernacular there?
Speaking in the vernacular, yeah
I went away for a jobby at half time
Apologies if you deemed that bad language viewers
Yeah, sorry, it was just a wee bit o poop
And, eh, I was a wee bit late back over
Eh, cos it was, eh
I had to squeeze quite a bit
Sorry I’ll just change the subject and get back to the match
But I forgot to press my wee button
I went away for a jobby at half time
I went away for a jobby at half time
Essentially, they tax us relentlessly
I went away for a jobby at half time
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwin’ away my shit
I had to squeeze quite a bit, so…
I probably shouldn’t brag, but dang, I amaze and astonish
The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish
I gotta holler just to be heard
With every word, I drop knowledge
I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal
Tryna reach my goal my power of speech, unimpeachable
I went away for a jobby at half time
Yeah, sorry, it was just a wee bit o poop
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10. |
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In Nineteen Hundred and Seventy Eight
It looked like things would turn out great
But as it happened, they were bleak
For Willie Johnston, speed freak
He was framed, he didn’t cheat
Willie Johnston, speed freak
Well he was brought up in Cardenden
He worked as a miner, then
He played for Rangers, then West Brom
His son ran a bar on Kirkcaldy prom
It was called The Port Brae
But Belhaven Brewery gave it away
Nobody ever called him meek
He couldn’t turn the other cheek
Willie Johnson, speed freak
He was framed, he didn’t cheat
Willie Johnston, speed freak
Well Scotland played a shocker against Peru
The Scottish FA knew what to do
So when they caught him with Reactivan
They became pure puritan
The blame was placed, he was up shit creek
Willie Johnson, speed freak
He once took a swig from a fan’s beer
You should have heard that crowd cheer
Then he took a corner kick
Willie Johnson, speed freak
He was framed, he didn’t cheat
Willie Johnston, speed freak
Hay fever
He had hay fever
Hay fever
He had hay fever
He had hay fever and at his peak
Willie Johnston, speed freak
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11. |
Douglas Useless
00:37
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Well, hello, my name is Douglas
Douglas Useless
I am the new Scottish Tory boss
The only thing that people know about me
Is that I hate gypsies and I am a referee
Now Aberdeen’s gone into lockdown
I’ll no see my wee pal
Ross Thomson – he’s been cancelled anyhow
We used to be like the north eastern Bros
Oh, I’m hapless, clueless, hopeless, useless, feckless Douglas Ross
Hey!
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12. |
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Long shorts, long socks
Cheeky little flash of knee
Neck trim, long sleeves
Massive gloves on the goalie
Football fashion
Football fashion
Technicolour football boots
Funky hairdos
Artesan shin pads
Crappy tattoos
Waistcoat optional
If you are a manager
If you’re German
Sniff yer baws and off ye go
Football fashion
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13. |
Mark Lawrenson
01:09
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Robert Peston, Alan Hansen
The love children of Charlie Manson
Hansen is as Hansen does
Time and time again because
He’s got Charlie Manson’s eyes
Captain Scarlet in disguise
Look in the eyes
It’s not accidental
Staring scary eyes
They’re mental
Who’s that saying, ‘Get Torres on!’
Oh fuck it’s Mark Lawrenson
He’s also Charlie Manson’s son
The horribly unfunny one
They’ve discovered Higgs Boson
Over to Mark Lawrenson
Watching the header on collide
The God particle’s clearly offside
Fun fun fun
Mark Lawrenson
Dancing at the disco
with the procurator fiscal
Time to blow the final whistle on
Mark Lawrenson
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14. |
||||
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Ally McCoist, philosophy master
Ally McCoist, och-aye
Ally McCoist, philosophy master
He’s a cultural guy
Now Ally McCoist is a commentator
On the World Cup in Russia
An expert on Kant and the literature
Of Maxim Gorsky, sir
I cannae wait for his next hot take
On Fyodor Dostoevsky
Or maybe Nijinski or maybe Stravinsky’s
The Rite of Spring
Ally McCoist, philosophy master
Ally McCoist, och-aye
Ally McCoist, philosophy master
He’s a cultural guy
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15. |
Questionable Moustache
00:34
|
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|
A-look-a-there
Here they come
Here come the pundits again
Been listening and watching since I don't know when
Overanalysing every mediocre pass
They got no style and they got no class
Dodgy opinions blasting out their arse
Fucking shocking banter
And a quesionable moustache
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16. |
Qatar, Man
03:35
|
|||
|
Who drew the crowds and played so proud
Over in Qatar, man
They really stole the show
You know, over in Qatar, man
It can make you laugh
It can make you cry
It will bring you down
It'll get you high
Somethin' keeps them goin'
Miles and miles a day
They will find another place to play
Martinez loves the golden glove
Over in Qatar, man
Mbappe's had enough
It's tough over in Qatar, man
It's a rotten state
It's a rotten place
But just look at the joy on his face
Somethin' keeps them griftin'
Miles and miles away
Even if you have to wear a negligee
Messi has now won the cup
His Argentina were mighty
But whose weird idea was it
To make him wear a nightie*
And Gary Neville has a message
And some words to call your own
And take them home
|
||||
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