A Christmas Gift For Ye

by Various Artists

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1.
Where do Santa's reindeer shit? It must be in the sky Imagine walking under it and being hit in the eye You'd think the streets on Christmas day would be quite a stink That's why you'll always find him on the roof with a shovel You'd think by now those droppings could have fertilised the earth Or raised a great big forest or even just some turf Growing on a pitch, making all our soil rich That's why you'll always find him on the roof with a shovel You will always find him on the roof with a shovel You will always find him on the roof with a shovel Maybe there are people out there paid to catch the crap As it drops down from the sleigh and catch it in a sack But I've never seen them doing that. Santa's on his own That's why you'll always find him on the roof with a shovel You will always find him on the roof with a shovel Then I heard the reindeers just keep it all in, under control And just have a huge dump when they all get back to the North Pole So now I no longer worry about Rudolph's bowels If there's an accident I'm sure Santa's got towels He's done his time on the roof with a shovel He's done his time on the roof with a shovel He's done his time on the roof with a shovel He's done his time on the roof with a shovel
2.
Foreboding feelings burrowing away Inside your stomach everyday Stay away from the internet It's not the end of the world just yet Worse things happen Can't you see Yes but they're always happening to me With your long white beard and your suit of red The only thing you've ever said Is ho ho ho Ho ho ho And always in my heart and in my head Quotidian pangs of existential dread One sad troll in the middle of the night Stayed up late to tweet some shite Oh look who's after me Western democracy I'm one o the boys For you no toys I am the fear Now make some noise With your long white beard and your suit of red The only thing you've ever said Is ho ho ho Ho ho ho And always in my heart and in my head Quotidian pangs of existential dread Blame it on the booze and David Greig Quotidian pangs of existential dread Quotidian pangs of existential dread Quotidian pangs of existential dread
3.
Christ, it's hard to watch Iain Duncan Smith on TV Without throwing a brick - I'm sure you'll agree And this seems to be happening more frequently Bring back the test card in the morning In the world of the media, the media is king They'd report on reporting if that was a thing We just want some facts, we get Nick Robinson Bring back the test card in the morning O come all ye pundits Show's yer speculation It's stopped being fun it's Depressing the fuck out of us There are gardeners and chefs eating grubs in the jungle And radio castaways who Kirsty Young'll Be reminiscing with 'bout Geoffrey and Bungle Bring back the test card in the morning Politics, sport, music and movies There's always some gobshite who's all out to prove he's The best on Luc Goddard or The Flamin Groovies Bring back the test card in the morning O come all ye pundits Show us yer speculation It's stopped being fun it's Depressing the fuck out of us O come all ye pundits Joyless and triumphalist Stuff your smug rejoinders Just stick to the facts O come let us adore him O come let us adore him O come let us adore him Robert Peston
4.
Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that Parsnips, parsnips, parsnips Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that, so All we are saying is give peas a chance All we are saying is give peas a chance Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that Brussell sprouts, cranberries, chestnuts Parsnips, parsnips, parsnips. parsnips Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that, so All we are saying is give peas a chance
5.
You better watch out You better not cry Better not pout I'm telling you why Philip Schofield's comin' to town Philip Schofield's comin' to town Philip Schofield's comin' to town He's made up a list, He's checking it twice; He's gonna find out Who's naughty and nice. Philip Schofield's comin' to town Philip Schofield's comin' to town Philip Schofield's comin' to town He thinks that he is cheeky Over on ITV But he had his hand rammed up a gopher For years at the BBC Oh! You better watch out! You better not cry. Better not pout, I'm telling you why. Philip Schofield's comin' to town Philip Schofield's comin' to town Philip Schofield's comin' to town
6.
I'm dreaming of a yellow christmas With Colonel Mustard and Bombskare And The Nipples Of Venus mingling between us And an inflatable unicorn in the air - yeah I'm dreaming of a yellow christmas On Sauchiehall Street by the Clyde With Storm Barbara howling outside What a fucking awesome Glasgow night Ho ho ho - merry christmas Speed bump! Speed bump!
7.
Some girls like to dress up like a wee schoolboy Or maybe that's just me - ya think? I'm the real McCoy We swing more than Sheridan We do it in the sea Now we're in panto with a yankee We're The Krankies I'm a sexual predator I'll screw anything that walks I once climbed up a huge erection And fell off that beanstalk We've had all the waxing Sack, back and crack It's Friday and it's five to five It's Crackerjack Krankie Panky Crackerjack! What I did with my Crackerjack pencil You don't want to know We went fucking mental on the road with Status Quo We trashed hotels and wrecked their bus And smacked Paul Daniels in the pus You're welcome No, you'll thank me We're The Krankies I'm no like a virgin I've had Salmond and Sturgeon I've sucked on macaroni with Silvio Berlosconi And I've had Sarkozi - he was fandabidozi
8.
When the snowman brings the snow, You will end up all aglow And you'll be talking ten to the dozen all day But when the dealer goes away you'll have nothing left to say So you lock the doors And light a joint because you're on the way. Well I wish I could be legless every-day, Every time I go to the off license I say. Have you got Golden Virginia and by the way. I'll have some Bells and a packet of Rizzla. You'll make a spliff From a packet of Rizzla
9.
Snow is rising all around us From the ground up through the trees Maybe it is climate change Or The Frozen Planet making a documentary David Attenborough, where’s your camera? Give us penguins and polar bears I don’t care where you get the footage In your back garden or up the Himalayas
10.
Noel Yell 01:32
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel Listen to your evil yell, yell, yell He is the man who can show us the way He knows what's wrong with this country today He is the man the Conservatives need He could stay at Cheggers He's the new Maggie T
11.
Oh why are we waiting? Why are we waiting? Where the fuck is Jesus Christ? It's been two thousand years Maybe he's been held up Or they've misplaced his luggage You'd think he'd bloody text though Been delayed at Heathrow They've lost my bloody halo Tell God I'll be late
12.
Baby, I really need to know If you say Van Gogh or Van Go? D'you say scone or scone? D'you say scone or scone? And if we use our legs We could hurry on down to Greggs Get flaky pastry In their nativity Sausage roll away the stone It's what baby Jesus wanted, no? Sausage roll away the stone When the cockerel crows Or if you just want breadsticks They'll do them like a crucifix D'you say scone or scone? D'you say scone or scone? If you believe in God And give them the special nod They'll do fishes and loaves They'll do fishes and loaves Sausage roll away the stone It's what baby Jesus wanted, no? Sausage roll away the stone When the cockerel crows There's a bake off kinda party on Saturday night Are you gonna be there? I got my invite Gonna bring fudge doughnuts? Oh, will do Steak bake! Sausage roll....
13.
What's in my selection box - show me Choc choc choc choc choc choc chocs - feed me Mars Bar, Snickers, Twirl, Bounty Twix, Kit Kat and Crunchie Sugar rush all over me This is very christmassy What's in my selection box - show me Choc choc choc choc choc choc chocs - feed me What's in my selection box - show me Choc choc choc choc choc choc chocs - feed me I'm a calorie junkie Is the dentist open Boxing Day? As a great philanderer once said I want to be selected What's in my selection box - show me Choc choc choc choc choc choc chocs - feed me Alice Cooper called it right when he Wrote Unfinished Sweet - you complete me
14.
Merry Christmas everybody And a happy new year too I hope you're feeling jolly I hope you are not feeling blue If you're feeling melancholy Don't let Christmas get to you Grab yourself a sprig of holly Merry Christmas to you

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released December 20, 2018

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