1. |
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Where do Santa's reindeer shit? It must be in the sky
Imagine walking under it and being hit in the eye
You'd think the streets on Christmas day would be quite a stink
That's why you'll always find him on the roof with a shovel
You'd think by now those droppings could have fertilised the earth
Or raised a great big forest or even just some turf
Growing on a pitch, making all our soil rich
That's why you'll always find him on the roof with a shovel
You will always find him on the roof with a shovel
You will always find him on the roof with a shovel
Maybe there are people out there paid to catch the crap
As it drops down from the sleigh and catch it in a sack
But I've never seen them doing that. Santa's on his own
That's why you'll always find him on the roof with a shovel
You will always find him on the roof with a shovel
Then I heard the reindeers just keep it all in, under control
And just have a huge dump when they all get back to the North Pole
So now I no longer worry about Rudolph's bowels
If there's an accident I'm sure Santa's got towels
He's done his time on the roof with a shovel
He's done his time on the roof with a shovel
He's done his time on the roof with a shovel
He's done his time on the roof with a shovel
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2. |
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Foreboding feelings burrowing away
Inside your stomach everyday
Stay away from the internet
It's not the end of the world just yet
Worse things happen
Can't you see
Yes but they're always happening to me
With your long white beard and your suit of red
The only thing you've ever said
Is ho ho ho
Ho ho ho
And always in my heart and in my head
Quotidian pangs of existential dread
One sad troll in the middle of the night
Stayed up late to tweet some shite
Oh look who's after me
Western democracy
I'm one o the boys
For you no toys
I am the fear
Now make some noise
With your long white beard and your suit of red
The only thing you've ever said
Is ho ho ho
Ho ho ho
And always in my heart and in my head
Quotidian pangs of existential dread
Blame it on the booze and David Greig
Quotidian pangs of existential dread
Quotidian pangs of existential dread
Quotidian pangs of existential dread
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3. |
O Come All Ye Pundits
02:44
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Christ, it's hard to watch Iain Duncan Smith on TV
Without throwing a brick - I'm sure you'll agree
And this seems to be happening more frequently
Bring back the test card in the morning
In the world of the media, the media is king
They'd report on reporting if that was a thing
We just want some facts, we get Nick Robinson
Bring back the test card in the morning
O come all ye pundits
Show's yer speculation
It's stopped being fun it's
Depressing the fuck out of us
There are gardeners and chefs eating grubs in the jungle
And radio castaways who Kirsty Young'll
Be reminiscing with 'bout Geoffrey and Bungle
Bring back the test card in the morning
Politics, sport, music and movies
There's always some gobshite who's all out to prove he's
The best on Luc Goddard or The Flamin Groovies
Bring back the test card in the morning
O come all ye pundits
Show us yer speculation
It's stopped being fun it's
Depressing the fuck out of us
O come all ye pundits
Joyless and triumphalist
Stuff your smug rejoinders
Just stick to the facts
O come let us adore him
O come let us adore him
O come let us adore him
Robert Peston
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4. |
Give Peas A Chance
01:00
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Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that
Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that
Parsnips, parsnips, parsnips
Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that, so
All we are saying is give peas a chance
All we are saying is give peas a chance
Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that
Brussell sprouts, cranberries, chestnuts
Parsnips, parsnips, parsnips. parsnips
Every cunt's banging on about parsnips and all that, so
All we are saying is give peas a chance
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5. |
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You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
He's made up a list,
He's checking it twice;
He's gonna find out Who's naughty and nice.
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
He thinks that he is cheeky
Over on ITV
But he had his hand rammed up a gopher
For years at the BBC
Oh! You better watch out!
You better not cry.
Better not pout, I'm telling you why.
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
Philip Schofield's comin' to town
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6. |
Yellow Christmas
01:27
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I'm dreaming of a yellow christmas
With Colonel Mustard and Bombskare
And The Nipples Of Venus mingling between us
And an inflatable unicorn in the air - yeah
I'm dreaming of a yellow christmas
On Sauchiehall Street by the Clyde
With Storm Barbara howling outside
What a fucking awesome Glasgow night
Ho ho ho - merry christmas
Speed bump! Speed bump!
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7. |
Krankie Panky
02:31
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Some girls like to dress up like a wee schoolboy
Or maybe that's just me - ya think?
I'm the real McCoy
We swing more than Sheridan
We do it in the sea
Now we're in panto with a yankee
We're The Krankies
I'm a sexual predator
I'll screw anything that walks
I once climbed up a huge erection
And fell off that beanstalk
We've had all the waxing
Sack, back and crack
It's Friday and it's five to five
It's Crackerjack
Krankie Panky
Crackerjack!
What I did with my Crackerjack pencil
You don't want to know
We went fucking mental on the road with Status Quo
We trashed hotels and wrecked their bus
And smacked Paul Daniels in the pus
You're welcome
No, you'll thank me
We're The Krankies
I'm no like a virgin
I've had Salmond and Sturgeon
I've sucked on macaroni with Silvio Berlosconi
And I've had Sarkozi - he was fandabidozi
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8. |
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When the snowman brings the snow,
You will end up all aglow
And you'll be talking ten to the dozen all day
But when the dealer goes away you'll have nothing left to say
So you lock the doors
And light a joint because you're on the way.
Well I wish I could be legless every-day,
Every time I go to the off license I say.
Have you got Golden Virginia and by the way.
I'll have some Bells and a packet of Rizzla.
You'll make a spliff
From a packet of Rizzla
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9. |
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Snow is rising all around us
From the ground up through the trees
Maybe it is climate change
Or The Frozen Planet making a documentary
David Attenborough, where’s your camera?
Give us penguins and polar bears
I don’t care where you get the footage
In your back garden or up the Himalayas
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10. |
Noel Yell
01:32
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Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
Listen to your evil yell, yell, yell
He is the man who can show us the way
He knows what's wrong with this country today
He is the man the Conservatives need
He could stay at Cheggers
He's the new Maggie T
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11. |
Bored Again Christians
00:49
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Oh why are we waiting?
Why are we waiting?
Where the fuck is Jesus Christ?
It's been two thousand years
Maybe he's been held up
Or they've misplaced his luggage
You'd think he'd bloody text though
Been delayed at Heathrow
They've lost my bloody halo
Tell God I'll be late
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12. |
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Baby, I really need to know
If you say Van Gogh or Van Go?
D'you say scone or scone?
D'you say scone or scone?
And if we use our legs
We could hurry on down to Greggs
Get flaky pastry
In their nativity
Sausage roll away the stone
It's what baby Jesus wanted, no?
Sausage roll away the stone
When the cockerel crows
Or if you just want breadsticks
They'll do them like a crucifix
D'you say scone or scone?
D'you say scone or scone?
If you believe in God
And give them the special nod
They'll do fishes and loaves
They'll do fishes and loaves
Sausage roll away the stone
It's what baby Jesus wanted, no?
Sausage roll away the stone
When the cockerel crows
There's a bake off kinda party on Saturday night
Are you gonna be there?
I got my invite
Gonna bring fudge doughnuts?
Oh, will do
Steak bake!
Sausage roll....
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13. |
Selectionist Box
02:48
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What's in my selection box - show me
Choc choc choc choc choc choc chocs - feed me
Mars Bar, Snickers, Twirl, Bounty
Twix, Kit Kat and Crunchie
Sugar rush all over me
This is very christmassy
What's in my selection box - show me
Choc choc choc choc choc choc chocs - feed me
What's in my selection box - show me
Choc choc choc choc choc choc chocs - feed me
I'm a calorie junkie
Is the dentist open Boxing Day?
As a great philanderer once said
I want to be selected
What's in my selection box - show me
Choc choc choc choc choc choc chocs - feed me
Alice Cooper called it right when he
Wrote Unfinished Sweet - you complete me
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14. |
Merry Christmas
02:11
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Merry Christmas everybody
And a happy new year too
I hope you're feeling jolly
I hope you are not feeling blue
If you're feeling melancholy
Don't let Christmas get to you
Grab yourself a sprig of holly
Merry Christmas to you
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